Talk To Jess

Tech-Knowlede

2008-07-10T17:53:00.000-07:00

The other night I received a text message from my little sister, who is away at camp for the first time. It made me realize that nowadays we take our gadgets absolutely everywhere, and though this allows us to keep in constant contact with the ones we love, I can’t help but wonder if there are times when it might be better to just ‘unplug’.

I go out at night, and despite the excitement, the pounding music, and wall to wall bodies, there are always people staring into their phones, blackberries and pagers (do people other than doctors still have pagers?) communicating with the outside world instead of living in the moment, kicking up their heels, and having a good time. Our lives are hectic enough as it is, and yet we still often forget to take a moment for ourselves that doesn’t involve simultaneously watching TV, surfing the ‘net and chatting on the cell phone.

Although I am still considered young by most standards, a lot has changed since I was a kid. I yearn for simpler times when bragging rights were earned by being able to spit farthest, rather than who had the newest iphone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no technophobe, I just worry that people today are no longer able to engage the world without an interface.

Perhaps I’m exaggerating, but I sat there last night imagining a cabin of kids sitting quietly on their bunk beds - the electronic glow illuminating their young faces - and I shed a tear for all the unbraided lanyards and dusty tennis racquets, the bygone days of exuberant missives from the bunkhouse scrawled on fancy stationary; rainy day arts and crafts replaced with ipods and IMing on the camp wifi.

To me summer camp was sacred. It meant freedom, friends, running around like crazy people trying all kinds of new activities – and I’m sure that in reality not all that much has changed. So I guess the question is, why bring this stuff to camp. Isn’t camp already fun?
Isn’t life fun?

I say we all need to try living in the moment more, and stop feeling like we need to be available to everyone we know, all of the time. It is okay to just have an evening out on the town without texting the play by play of the evening to your 600 friends on Facebook. Unplug, let go, jump in and see what adventures you’ll find!
It’s okay – you can always blog about it tomorrow.

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Elaine Raskin is the Director of Communications and Events at Talk To Jess. A Brooklyn native, she now lives in Los Angeles helping Jess transform the self-esteem of women and girls worldwide.

Getting What You Deserve

2008-05-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

"A lot of people are afraid to ask for what they want.
That's why they don't get what they want"
-Madonna

If there's one thing that life has taught me lately, it's this:
You will only get as much as you think you deserve. It's just that simple,
but oftentimes just so difficult. If you don't think you deserve
wonderful things in life, you will always settle for less -
even when you've earned more.

How many times have you said to yourself: I'm too fat, I could never wear
a dress like that, or I'm not smart enough for that job? Maybe your problem
is not your body/brain/personality- maybe your self-image needs a check.

What a wonderful world it would be if we all had the self-respect to know
what we deserve and go for it. It seems to me that the root of all unkindness
is a lack of respect, and the most basic kind is the kind we have for ourselves.
Sometimes in our culture (especially for women), it's seen as selfish to know
what you want and act on it, but that is absolutely not the case - if you
have the heart to follow your own dreams, you will certainly
have some left over to share.

It's like the words of one outstanding go-getter, Marilyn Monroe
"We are all stars and we deserve to twinkle”. So ask for what you want.
Shine. Wear the red dress. Go for the job. Ask the guy out.
Encourage your gals to do the same. The only way you will get what
you deserve is by going for it.

Now, all that being said, when you decide to go after what you want, sometimes
life will let you down. Your efforts may fall through, your heart might get broken.
But if you know you deserve better, you will have the confidence to dust it off
and try something else - because there are always fabulous opportunities
waiting for fabulous women to take the chance.

................................................................................................................................................

Marie Hansen is 17 and will be a freshman at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.
She plans on using her education to work with girls on self-esteem
and body image. Be sure to check out Marie's awesome new blog - The Fab Gal!

Many thanks to our guest blogger Marie Hansen!
If you would like to be a guest blogger on jessweiner.com
please send your post to info@jessweiner.com.

Every Day Should Be Mother's Day

2008-05-07T12:17:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who calls everyone mama. It's a term she uses in a spirit of friendship, a term that expresses what she sees in every woman: strength, caring, and vitality - the ability not only to love one's self, but to care for others and offer them love too. The love one person is able to offer another is what makes the world go 'round (at least according to my friend).

I am more than happy to agree with all of this. I too think all women possess 'mama' qualities to some degree. Furthermore I tend to find that a high degree of mama-ness is a good indication of a quality friend. So why is it that so many of us treat our mothers in ways we would never dream of treating our friends? I can't help but feel that for many of us, our relationship with our actual mama could be improved by comparing it to our relationships with all the other mamas in our lives.

We never take a friend's love for granted the way we often do with our
mothers, who seem to always be there when we need them.

In friendships we seek out and accentuate similarities in tastes, style,
and interests, whereas with our mothers we often try our hardest
to find differences, to show that we are individuals.

When friends offer us advice we are usually quick to take it,
though when our mothers offer their wisdom we tend to view it as criticism.

I suppose sometimes it is easy to forget that our mothers need us as much as we need them. It is important to think of all the patience, care, and affection your mother has shown you. A mother is there when you need someone to hear what you have to say and love you for saying it, no matter what it is. Why should a daughter be any different?

Take a minute to think about why you are celebrating this Mother's day. Is it because you need to, because the mom police are hiding behind the corner, waiting to nab you if you don't send a card or place a call? Hopefully not! It is because you love life and are grateful that mom brought you into this world and did her best to give you the tools you need to build a life for yourself. She may not be a part of your day to day life, but she is always a part of who you are.

Think of all the best qualities you see in yourself and I think you will find that you and your mother have a lot in common, including the most important thing of all: love for one another.

Happy Mothers day to all the Mothers and Mamas out there!!

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Elaine Raskin is the Director of Communications and Events at Talk To Jess. A Brooklyn native, she now lives in Los Angeles helping Jess transform the self-esteem of women and girls worldwide. Elaine has nothing but love for her Mama.

My Beautiful Mommy

2008-04-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

My Beautiful Mommy, a controversial children's picture book created by Dr. Michael Salzhauer, aims to help mothers discuss cosmetic surgery with their young children. The story explains that mommy's frequent trips to the doctor are not because she is 'sick' but because she wants to be 'prettier'. Unfortunately, the plot does not explore what 'pretty' means, or why mommy does not see herself as pretty enough the way she is. The fact is that there is nothing wrong with mommy - the problem, so to speak, is mommy's self-esteem.

Children are not able at such a young age to look in the mirror and find fault in themselves - that is something we teach them. My Beautiful Mommy offers an easy option for mothers seeking to provide simple answers to complex questions. Rather than turning to a storybook version of reality, perhaps mommy should take a good long look inside. If she is not able to find the words to express the reasons for her actions, perhaps they are not worth acting on. Granted, the idea of a parent turning to their child and telling them that they are unhappy with the way they look, or that they feel inferior to other people is worrisome, to say the least. It seems reprehensible to give a child the notion that life is somehow better or more worth living if you have a pop star's cheek bones or wear smaller pants, but if you wouldn't say these things to a child, why would you say them to yourself?

Like most women I know, when I was a girl I thought that my mother was the most beautiful woman in the world. As the years have passed I have watched my face grow to resemble hers, and seeing her beauty in myself I have felt proud, confident, and connected to her in a truly unique way. I do not look like a movie star, and that is exactly the point - I look like my mother because I am a part of her, and she a part of me. Looking from the perspective of a child - which I may not be socially, but will always be to my mother - I am glad that she didn't take that away from me; I may have never understood.

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How to Feel Good About Yourself When You Don't Love Your Body

2008-03-05T17:48:00.000-08:00

By Guest Blogger Karly Randolph Pitman

Sometimes, we love our bodies. We feel effortlessly beautiful. We are confident and secure in our beauty. We see the physical results of our good habits, in the form of a healthy, vital body. We feel proud, happy and content.

But sometimes, we don't love our bodies. We feel grubby and unkempt. We feel frumpy and flabby and haggard. We feel old. We see the results of our not-so-good habits, and often, this leads to shame, regret, and self-loathing. So not only do we feel badly because we look like crap, we feel extra terrible on top of it, for not loving and accepting our bodies when they aren't at their best.

What is a woman to do? Fortunately, there's a way out: compassion. Compassion for yourself. Just as it's abusive to pour venom over our bodies because of a few (or more than a few) extra pounds, or to berate ourselves for signs of age, it's just as unkind to scorn ourselves for not loving our bodies. They're all forms of self-abuse.

So, if you've indulged in a few extra holiday treats (I've been there), or if you've abused your body with overeating or undereating (I've been there, too), or if you desire to lose weight (I've been there, three), please: don't compound your pain. Don't beat yourself up for wanting a different body. Don't beat yourself up for making poor choices. And, don't beat yourself up if you dislike your body. Instead of making your feelings something to fight against---I should love my body---accept your feelings. Sit with them. What do they feel like? What do they look like? What do they say? Can you listen to their message?

Can you embrace them?

A few years ago, when I decided to leave the diet/binge/body bashing treadmill for good, I assumed that loving my body would mean that I, well, would looooove it. Always. All the time. I wanted the high of newlywed bliss, the rapture of the honeymoon, where I was like a new lover, never sated, drunk on my own self-love. I didn't want to accept the inevitable valleys or lulls, the routine, the minutiae of daily life; the days when I simply lived in my body, without the glee, or joy or rush of appreciation.

But now I have a different perspective. I'm thinking that loving my body may mean accepting those times when I don't love my body. Or maybe I do love my body, but I dislike something particular about my appearance. So while I may be grateful for the physical being that houses my soul---my lungs that fill me with breath; my heart that pumps my lifeblood; my breasts and belly and womb that give me pleasure and give life to my children---I may not be so appreciative of its quirks. There are times when I feel frustrated by sickness, an ugly skin rash, unsightly chin hairs, spider veins, the cellulite on my thighs, the sagginess of my butt.

Does this mean I hate my body? Why no. Can I love my body, even while I accept my frustrations? Absolutely; yes. As a mother, I think of how I love my children, but sometimes dislike their behavior. Likewise, my body may test my patience. And yet I still offer it my love---even when I don't feel like it.

A few months ago, I changed the name of the Love Your Body series to the Creating Body Ease series. This was intentional. I realized, that, while, loving your body is an admirable goal, and one I wish for every woman, sometimes, it's difficult. I don't want women to feel burdened by one more to-do, one more item to accomplish in order to feel good about themselves. Instead, let's aim for ease.

What is ease? Ease is freedom, freedom from difficulty or hardship. It's being comfortable. It's feeling unconstrained. Ease implies rest, abiding in gentleness, compassion, and understanding. It's stillness. Calm. A lessening of intensity. It's a feeling of proper perspective, where you relax in your frustration, where the chin hairs and cellulite and wrinkles don't vex you, or alter your perspective of your body as a whole.

So, as you journey into accepting and loving your body, aim for ease. Love? Yes, it will come, and it will be there. But I can love my body without loving every thing about my body, 100% of the time. And I believe that you can, too.

Either way, it's all good. It's all good if we let it be good. If we accept our feelings, our changing appearance, our ugliness, our beauty, and everything in between, without labeling one set of feelings as good, and another as bad, we can find our ease.

One of the tricks I use to console myself when I'm feeling icky, ashamed, or frustrated is to look at a photo of myself from when I was a baby or a little girl. This changes my perspective, where I'm no longer so focused on my humanity, with all of its peccadilloes and stumbling blocks, and am able to view my divinity---the light within. This is also a very helpful tactic when I'm feeling judgmental towards other people; thinking of them as babies or small children silences my inner critic almost instantly.

About Karly:

Karly Randolph Pitman, writer, speaker, blogger, and mother of four, offers encouragement for women at firstourselves.com. First Ourselves offers women positive parenting tips, ideas for gaining a positive body image, and suggestions for nurturing yourself. Karly is also the author of an ebook on loving your body, Body Ease: An Inspirational, Step by Step Guide to Feeling Beautiful Now, as well as a forthcoming book on how to conquer sugar addiction. Both ebooks are available for purchase on firstourselves.com.

Why Self Care Isn't Selfish

2008-02-26T11:23:00.000-08:00

By Guest Blogger Karly Randolph Pitman

"I know what's best for me, after all, I have been in the Claudette Colbert business longer than anybody."

-Claudette Colbert

I ran into an acquaintance at the grocery store, who told me of her upcoming month long trek to Europe. “I’ve taken care of everyone else since I was 18,” she said. “I’m turning 30, and realized it’s time I did something for myself.”

I applauded her courage. But a few years ago, I wouldn’t have been so supportive. Yes, I would’ve smiled and said, “That’s great!” But inside, I would’ve felt a wee bit jealous.

What sparked the change in my reaction? Here’s the secret: self care.

I think some women are afraid that if they put their needs first, they'll become narcissistic and self-centered. But the exact opposite is true. Self care isn't selfish; rather, what enables you to give with an open heart.

Self care, you see, isn't linear, but a circle; a cycle of reciprocity whereby everyone benefits. As you care for yourself, you empower others to take care of themselves. As you fill up your tank, you have a deeper well from which to give to your family, passions, and community.

But, more importantly, it’s about creating joy and gratitude in your own heart, so you can meet others with joy, too. When you harbor feelings of scarcity or lack, you'll resent giving to others. How can you celebrate another's good fortune when you're feeling deprived yourself? You can't.

In his book Real Magic, Wayne Dyer uses this analogy: when you squeeze an orange, you can only make orange juice. No matter how hard you try, you can’t create lemonade. You give what you are. If you're resentful, you'll give resentment, no matter how large a check you write. If you're jealous, you'll give envy. If you're angry, you'll give bitterness.

And people will know it, even if you don't say a thing. Even your children.

When I lived like a Mommy martyr, I prided myself on my self-sacrifice. I felt empowered by my thriftiness, on how little I demanded from my husband, my children, or from life. But self-denial's reward wasn't joy; instead, I envied women who had the things I wanted: travel, spa visits, beautiful clothes, and a nicely decorated home. I resented my children. I was depressed and restless. But these feelings dissipated once I made self care my top priority. I could relax in others' triumphs, because I knew mine were coming, too. My inner spirit, cared for and fed, lost its anxiety about not getting its fair share.

Today, my self-care begins from the inside out, with an inner recognition that I am worthy of nurturing. It’s a habit, a practice forged over time into a pattern of living. It’s the small choices I make everyday that make me feel pampered: adequate sleep; a quiet lunch with a fat novel; a walk along the river; thirty minutes of solitude.

I care for myself every time I say no to something I would only do out of obligation; when I set boundaries on my working hours; when I let my children do for themselves what they can, instead of trying to do everything for them; when I recognize that most things on my “to do” list aren’t urgent, and can wait until tomorrow.

My life, however, can't.

The beauty of self-care's equation is in its magnitude. I may indulge only myself when I spend an hour painting my nails. But the joy that this act gives me, the abundance that is its reward, is a feeling that overflows my boundaries; a feeling that multiplies as I pass it on to others, to everyone whom I encounter.

About Karly:

Karly Randolph Pitman, writer, speaker, blogger, and mother of four, offers encouragement for women at firstourselves.com. First Ourselves offers women positive parenting tips, ideas for gaining a positive body image, and suggestions for nurturing yourself. Karly is also the author of an ebook on loving your body, Body Ease: An Inspirational, Step by Step Guide to Feeling Beautiful Now, as well as a forthcoming book on how to conquer sugar addiction. Both ebooks are available for purchase on firstourselves.com.

What if you were beautiful?

2007-10-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone!!

One of our favorite guest bloggers is back with an amazing piece to share with all of you. Please give a warm welcome to Trudi Evans again!!

Trudi Evans is the publisher of As We Are Magazine (http://www.aswearemagazine.com) and online publication supporting women, and the current president of the Eating Disorders Action Group in Halifax, Nova Scotia. She likes to see the beauty in everyone.

If you want to be a successful writer, a life coach might ask “what would it look like to be a successful writer?” They like that question what would it look like.

So what would it look like to be beautiful today? That’s a hard question for most girls and women. The quick response would usually entail taller, thinner, blonder, straighter teeth, wider eyes, smaller nose, or a myriad of other physical features.

What if you looked in a mirror and saw the words “this is what beautiful looks like” right above your reflection?

I volunteer with the Eating Disorders Action Group and this is what we’re bringing to people in our community - a mirror with those words over it, and the opportunity to see one’s self under that heading, in full public view. It is unnerving for some and liberating for others. But without changing a thing about a person’s appearance, they can go from ugly to beautiful with only a shift in perception.

Beautiful is defined in so many ways, but for me, it is defined by what moves me. A warm genuine smile, the bright red leaves on the trees in October, the sound of my son singing to himself while he sits on the toilet. It’s also in my reflection when I choose to see it. I see a whole woman, filled with both a life lived and a future filled with potential. My freckles remind me of glitter, and my posture shows my resolve.

What does beautiful look like to you? Post these words above your mirror and see if you change your mind. THIS IS WHAT BEAUTIFUL LOOKS LIKE.

Let yourself be beautiful

2007-10-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,

I am saddened to present to you the last entry from Karly Randolph Pitman. It has been awesome to have Karly's words on our page, and we will surely miss her wisdom.

Karly Randolph Pitman is the founder of First Ourselves, helping women love their bodies, feel beautiful, and make self care a top priority. She lives with her husband and four children in the mountains of Montana, although she told her husband they're moving to the beach next year. Karly feeds her spirit by running, inhaling books, watching movies, and dancing in the living room with her family. Learn more at www.firstourselves.com.

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"
-Marianne Williamson

For the past week, I have been conducting an experiment. Every morning when I wake up, I close my eyes, breathe deeply, and ask myself this question: "If I were not afraid, I would..."

The answers have been fascinating, and far reaching. One that keeps appearing over and over again is, "If I were not afraid, I would let myself be beautiful."

I find this startling: What is so fearful about being beautiful? In our appearance focused culture, why would I shrink from being as ravishing as possible?

Here's why I'm afraid. I'm afraid of attracting envy. I'm afraid that I'll get too attached to my appearance, only to grasp when it fades. I'm afraid because if I feel beautiful and confident I won't have an excuse for not pursuing my passions and dreams. I'm afraid because I won't have a reason to hide myself from the world.

I'm afraid because I'll have to change my perception of myself, and accept my divine worth, abiding in the image of God.

Wow.

I am afraid of my goodness. I am afraid of being my physical best.

My revelations remind me of all the drop dead gorgeous women I know, who if you ask them if they think they're beautiful will say, "I'm beautiful on the inside," as if their fabulous outer package is the equivalent of scrap metal. By contrast, I remember an interview between Oprah and Selma Hayek, where Selma unselfconsciously owned her beauty. I found that so inspiring.

My friend Sabrina and I were talking about how if weren't afraid we would get out of our sweats and Eddie Bauer pants. Yet the last few times we've run into each other we've been wearing...sweats and Eddie Bauer pants.

As Marianne Williamson so eloquently reminds us, we serve no one when we hide our beauty. Enjoy it; it's a gift, no different from your intelligence, your empathy, or your compassion. Each is to be celebrated, enjoyed, and used.Yes, your beauty will change, and it isn't permanent, but just as a bright, sunny day will eventually turn to darkness or rain, that doesn't mean you can't dance in the sun while it shines.

Use your beauty. Embrace it. Share it with the world. Let yourself be beautiful.

Shrinking the Cesspool

2007-10-01T16:29:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,

Ask and you shall receive. I recently sent out a request to the With Jess network and asked if anyone was interested in Guest Blogging for me and the responses have been overwhelming!! I am excited to introduce to you our next Guest Blogger, Karly Randolph Pitman. She is a perfect fit for the With Jess audience and I think you will really be inspired by her words.

Karly Randolph Pitman is the founder of First Ourselves, helping women love their bodies, feel beautiful, and make self care a top priority. She lives with her husband and four children in the mountains of Montana, although she told her husband they're moving to the beach next year. Karly feeds her spirit by running, inhaling books, watching movies, and dancing in the living room with her family. Learn more at www.firstourselves.com.

How many of you have woken up this way: You spend twenty minutes in front of a full length mirror, trying on several outfits to find the one that makes you feel “skinny.” Then you carefully apply your makeup to hide any wrinkles, age spots, and pimples. You skip breakfast, because eating makes you feel “too full” (read: fat) so low blood sugar leaves you edgy and irritable. You try reassuring yourself that you look okay (making sure to double check the mirror one last time before exiting the house), only to see your neighbor/co-worker/anyone on the street looking oh-so fabulous. Your confidence sinks, as thoughts of feeling fat, frumpy, ugly and old peck at your peace of mind.

Ladies, let’s laugh at ourselves, because we’ve all been there.

We live in a society fixated on appearance and the physical body. Weight obsession now affects young girls as young as eight or six; not just women and teenagers. Statistics show our models for beauty -- fashion models, actresses, and other entertainment personalities -- are getting thinner, and thinner. Eating disorders are more and more common, beginning at earlier ages, among 7 and 10 year old girls.

In her book “Like Mother, Like Daughter,” nutritionist Debra Waterhouse writes about how a mother’s negative body image can be passed down to her daughters. A culture, too, can bequeath a negative body image: 51% of 9 and 10 year old girls feel better about themselves if they are on a diet; 42% of 1st through 3rd grade girls want to be thinner; young girls would prefer to have cancer, lose both their parents, or live through a nuclear holocaust than to be fat.

How can a woman, or a little girl, love her body in such a toxic environment? How do we change this mess we’ve created?

When I first got the idea for helping women conquer body hatred, I thought the best way to change the status quo would be to attack the instigators----the beauty companies, the media, the fashion industry, Hollywood, the music industry---that feed our obsession with physical vanity.

But I came to see my approach was wrong, and doomed to fail. Why? You cannot create positive change from negativity. Attacking others won’t help women love their bodies. How can hatred create love?

At the least, I figure if Ghandi and Martin Luther King, Jr. could topple segregation with non-violent means, certainly I could help women love their bodies without resorting to violence.

On this site you will not find missives leading you to campaign against those who you believe perpetrate body hatred in women. I will not ask you to channel your anger in protest. I am not telling you to rant and rave against the powers that be. Instead, I am asking you to face your body issues. Simply focus on yourself: heal your body neuroses. That, I believe is enough.

I like to think of body hatred as a cesspool of negative thought. Imagine a deep, dark well of disgust, shame and despair. Each time you berate your body, or judge it, or judge or berate another’s, you tap into that cesspool, increasing its power. This, I believe, is the true cause of body hatred today: we are all feeding off one another’s disgust. We have created this toxic environment; our thoughts grow its power. We have created the cesspool. The universe is just complying in kind, by giving us a physical manifestation of our inner reality.

You can think, as I did, that body bashing is an individual problem; it doesn’t affect others. As long as I keep my anguish to myself, why does it matter? It matters because I am feeding the cesspool. I am helping to create the toxic environment. I am creating pain in the world: every seven year old girl on a diet is simply following in my footsteps.

Let’s imagine a different reality. What if we were able to love, accept and cherish our bodies? What if we were able to diminish the cesspool? What if we were able to create a counterbalance, a positive force? Imagine a well of love, nurturance, and joy. Each time we celebrate a woman’s beauty, cherish our bodies, and praise our physical selves, we would grow that pool of light. And what would happen to the cesspool? It would wither, shrink, and desist. Love would take its place.

So just think: every time you accept your body, or another woman’s, you diminish the cesspool. You help create an alternative universe. And then, gradually, our new inner reality will replace our outer reality. We will no longer have an outer manifestation of body hatred. Imagine such a place: for you, your sister, your daughter, your granddaughter.

I am calling for a body hatred fast. I want to try an experiment: for 60 days, let’s refrain from having negative comments or thoughts about our body or anyone else’s. When negative thoughts appear, transform them into a compliment or a positive statement. When other women bring up their body image garbage, change the subject. Refrain from gossiping about people’s appearance---positive or negative.

Let’s see if we can shrink the cesspool. Let’s see what other thoughts occupy our minds. When I think about the vast amounts of energy women have stored up in thoughts about weight or bodies, I can’t help but wonder: what could we achieve if our thoughts and minds were directed elsewhere?

If you think the world would be a better place if more women ran it, think about how we could run it if we weren’t so preoccupied on things that ultimately don’t matter. Try it from this perspective: if you had to think of a way to suppress the women of the world, what better way to do so than by feeding an obsessive distraction with appearance, so that women can’t focus their energy on what truly needs their help and devotion.

Let’s create a world where our daughters aren’t dieting in kindergarten. Let’s create a world where emaciated women are not the ideal. Let’s create a world where we celebrate our bodies by using them to make the world a better place.

Let’s create our alternate universe.

First, ourselves: then, the world.

Tackle a Challenge

2007-09-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

Purrfectly Content

2007-08-24T11:47:00.000-07:00

This is the last guest blog post we have from Trudi Evans for the time being. If you have missed any of the great posts she honored us with, please check out the archived post section to catch up. We have truly enjoyed the entries Trudi has shared with us, and we look forward to bringing you more posts from her in the near future.

Trudi Evans is the publisher of As We Are Magazine(http://www.aswearemagazine.com) new space on the web for women to feel good, speak out and be heard. When she’s not promoting the magazine, Trudi acts as the president of the board of directors for the Eating Disorders Action Group (http://www.edag.ca), plays in the sprinkler with her 4 ½ year old son, hangs out with her husband of ten years, and chases the cat back into the house. She is currently growing pumpkins in containers on her deck and thinking about female super heroes.

Several years ago, we had this very large cat. When we adopted him, he was somewhere in the 20lb range, and a very lonely dude. He happily threw all 20lbs into any lap available at any time and would reward every kind touch with a deep rumbling purr.

He was with us for five years and in that time, we tried to help him shed more pounds than fur and become the svelte feline we knew he could be. After consulting the vet, we changed his food. We made sure he got the healthiest of treats. And then we tried exercise.

Exercising a cat might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever tried. I came home from the pet store one day, armed with a variety of toys to tempt his inner kitty into playing and running around. I carefully examined my purchases and found a shiny, crinkly, feathery thing on a stick that seemed like it would tempt any cat into being frisky.

I parked myself on the living room floor and crinkled the end of the new toy to catch the cat’s attention. He perked up, waddled over and had a look. I was on a roll. Using the plastic rod attached to it, I dragged the toy along the floor, and as it would get near the cat, he took a swat at it. He’s hooked, I thought.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. One swipe, and he flopped over, content to lay on the floor and watch as I made a fool out of myself, imitating how a cat, such as he, should use these great toys I had bought for him. I tried the squeaky mouse, the feathers-on-a-spring, and every last toy from that bag. He watched. Once, he stretched. And that was his entire exercise regimen.

If only he’d been as motivated as my friend Kate’s cat:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZpWL21hAh4

Hey Mom, Be Yourself

2007-08-16T12:37:00.000-07:00

Another one from our fantastic guest blogger Trudi Evans...

Trudi Evans is the publisher of As We Are Magazine(http://www.aswearemagazine.com) new space on the web for women to feel good, speak out and be heard. When she’s not promoting the magazine, Trudi acts as the president of the board of directors for the Eating Disorders Action Group (http://www.edag.ca), plays in the sprinkler with her 4 ½ year old son, hangs out with her husband of ten years, and chases the cat back into the house. She is currently growing pumpkins in containers on her deck and thinking about female super heroes.

They say that when we look at the world through the eyes of children, we get to experience the firsts all over again.

My son Sam is 4 ½ years old. He goes to daycare part-time and he’s an affable, social kid. The girls call him Sam-Sam-the-ladies-man. The teachers are heartbroken that he’s off to school this fall and they won’t get their daily dose of Sam-lovin’. The boys take their time to high-five and hug him before he leaves every day. In fact, they sort of treat him like a rock star.

This was not my exact experience as a child. I was painfully shy and withdrawn (oh, how I’ve changed!). I sort of slipped in and out of the shadows. When Sam came home on Tuesday night and wanted his toenails painted purple, I wondered: can I handle the pain of childhood taunting again? How will I support him when they inevitably reject his non-conformist ways? This wasn’t the first I wanted to re-experience.

After his lavender bubble bath, my little metrosamuel got out and had his nails trimmed and painted. His wee toes now sport a deep and royal metallic purple. He was giddy with excitement at his cool new toes and could not wait for daycare the next day. He even passed on wearing his favourite shoes for sandals so his toes would be visible all the time.

Before I tell you what happened to Sam that day, let me tell you about David. David goes to Sam’s daycare and every day when he arrives, he heads straight for the dress-up clothes and pulls on the same purple princess gown over his camouflage shorts and football tee-shirt and wears it the entire day. He loves his purple gown.

When Sam arrived at daycare with his purple toes, he barreled down the stairs to show his favourite teacher. David ripped across the room, his purple gown flouncing around him, took one look at Sam’s toes and cried “Toenail polish is for girls!” and huffed off.

At 4 ½, my kid doesn’t quite get irony. My husband, on the other hand, couldn’t hold in his laughter. Amazingly, Sam just shrugged his shoulders, rolled his eyes and went off to play.

When he came home at the end of the day, I asked him if everyone loved his toes. His face was full of sadness. “They laughed at me mom. They thought it was silly for a boy to have toe paint.” I offered to remove it for him.

“No way! I’m wearing this forever.” He exclaimed.

This was a first I was happy to experience. Confidence and non-conformity are traits I always admire in others, and here I was admiring it in my son, age 4 ½.

Feel Good (originally published on As We Are)

2007-08-13T15:23:00.000-07:00

Another one from our fantastic guest blogger Trudi Evans...

Trudi Evans is the publisher of As We Are Magazine(http://www.aswearemagazine.com) new space on the web for women to feel good, speak out and be heard. When she’s not promoting the magazine, Trudi acts as the president of the board of directors for the Eating Disorders Action Group (http://www.edag.ca), plays in the sprinkler with her 4 ½ year old son, hangs out with her husband of ten years, and chases the cat back into the house. She is currently growing pumpkins in containers on her deck and thinking about female super heroes.

Do you feel good about yourself? A big reason why I started my website As We Are (http://www.aswearemagazine) is to support women in feeling great about them. I believe that when women are confident, they become great creators of change. In order for me to go forward and support charitable groups with my skills and time and to publish my magazine, I needed to look at myself and say "wow, I rock". And you know what? I do. I'm not waiting to wear a size whatever before I tackle the world because I no longer need those external validations to move forward. And you don't either!
Let's explore how to feel good.

I’ve learned (albeit slowly), that the way I feel about myself is in my control. When my feel good cues came from other people in the form of compliments or admiration, my feel bad cues were in their hands as well. Negative observations about my work or appearance would bring me down and in order to be brought back up, I needed more validation from somewhere else.

That is, until I took control of my self-esteem. The first thing I did was make a pact with myself to stop putting myself down. For years, I was the queen of self-deprecating humor and verbal abuse aimed straight at me. Cheesy as it sounds, but you wouldn’t talk about others the way you talk about yourself, so why is it ok to put yourself down?

I have some theories. The first is that we are taught at a very young age, that a healthy self-esteem is actually conceit. And no one likes a conceited girl. The higher you see yourself, the farther they can knock you down. You are an open target when you feel good about yourself. Someone wants to knock you down a peg or two until you feel as badly about yourself as they feel about themselves. Compliments come to those who are lowest and need boosting. Teenagers live this day in and day out and sadly, adults don’t often shake it off as they mature.

What if you made all your choices based on what you thought you deserved, when you felt your worst? The fact is, we make a lot of choices in that moment. Theory number two includes having to admit that we have made some poor choices because we didn’t see ourselves as worthy of more. From choosing a partner who’s critical of our every breath, to staying at an unfulfilling job and ignoring our true talents and dreams, we create a life that validates all those negative feelings about ourselves. This creates conflict as we accept our bodaciousness. How does someone as amazing as me, live a life as lousy as this? Facing those choices and making great changes create anxiety, fear, and self-doubt.

A great support system makes it easier to deal with stepping out of the life you’re in and into the one you deserve, but what if you don’t have that support system? You may have friends and family who love you, but do they love themselves? When they don’t, they may have difficulty supporting your new rockin’ self and the life you want to create that reflects it. Your confidence reminds them of their own fear of loving themselves and they often feel left behind. That’s what As We Are is about – daily support to help you to keep moving forward with your awesomeness and build a network of confident, self-loving women.

What do you do to bring yourself up when you feel down?

Chick Flicks

2007-08-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

Another one from our fantastic guest blogger Trudi Evans...

Trudi Evans is the publisher of As We Are Magazine(http://www.aswearemagazine.com) new space on the web for women to feel good, speak out and be heard. When she’s not promoting the magazine, Trudi acts as the president of the board of directors for the Eating Disorders Action Group (http://www.edag.ca), plays in the sprinkler with her 4 ½ year old son, hangs out with her husband of ten years, and chases the cat back into the house. She is currently growing pumpkins in containers on her deck and thinking about female super heroes.

I’m not a big movie-buff. I don’t see many films in the movie theatre (too cheap to hire a babysitter) and I generally know what I’m going to like, so I don’t see a lot of films that I presume will fall outside that realm. That sounds awful, I just realized; much like judging a book by its cover. I should work on that.

The term chick flick tends to be a bit derogatory. They are films that not only appeal to women more than men, but are assumed to be mindless and meaningless. The fact is, that isn’t always true. Some of my favourite films fall into this genre. So when you’re looking for something to feed your inner-chick, perhaps you’ll want to check out some of these. If you’ve seen them before, maybe it’s time to watch them again!

Auntie Mame (1958) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051383/
Long before the term chick-flick or the idea that single women could possibly be happy on their own, there was Rosalind Russell as Auntie Mame. Funny, independent, opinionated and ahead of her time, Mame never fails to remind me to be myself. Quote to live by: Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!

A League of Their Own (1992) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0104694/)
This film stars some big name women: Gena Davis, Madonna and Rosie O’Donnell and was directed by Penny Marshall. It is a fictional story based on the real life All American Girls Baseball League that was started in the U.S.A. during World War II. While many of the able men were overseas fighting, the baseball commission decided they wanted to keep the folks at home focused on something positive and what do people love? Baseball! Thinking that the women would be more entertainer than athlete, they were dressed up in skirts and lipstick and paraded about, but they triumphed with their passion and skill for the sport. This movie never fails to make me well up with admiration and pride, and yes, I cry. But it’s a good cry.

Steele Magnolias (1989) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098384/)
This movie has been around long enough that most people know it is a real tear-jerker, but the movie really shines in the way it depicts friendships among women. A variety of complex women played by Sally Field, Olympia Dukakis, Shirley MacLaine, Dolly Parton, Darryl Hannah and Julia Roberts, are woven together in ways that are real and heartbreaking and filled with hope. Olympia Dukakis plays Clairee and utters my favourite line in the movie: If you can’t find anything good to say about anybody, come sit by me. Watch this one with friends. Bring tissue.

Erin Brockovich (2000) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0195685/)
I’m a bit of a sucker for movies based in real life. There are so many great stories about women that don’t get told and I’d like to see the film industry find a way to tell more of them. Erin is a real person who lived this real story, that Julia Roberts depicted in the Hollywood version. When a tenacious single mother with a big mouth takes on a big corporation on behalf of the little guy, she becomes a real-life heroine. Erin inspires.

The list goes on and on and on. I have an equally long list of movies I haven’t yet seen, but will keep working my way through. I’m always on the lookout for stories about women that inform and inspire me. It is not often that Hollywood gets it right when it comes to portraying women, so I feel it’s important to hold close the stories that ring true for me. The beauty of every art, including film, is that there is something for everyone. Selfishly, I hope they make more movies for me.

Bionic Blogger

2007-08-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

Another one from our fantastic guest blogger Trudi Evans...

Trudi Evans is the publisher of As We Are Magazine (http://www.aswearemagazine.com) –a new space on the web for women to feel good, speak out and be heard. When she’s not promoting the magazine, Trudi acts as the president of the board of directors for the Eating Disorders Action Group (http://www.edag.ca), plays in the sprinkler with her 4 ½ year old son, hangs out with her husband of ten years, and chases the cat back into the house. She is currently growing pumpkins in containers on her deck and thinking about female super heroes.

In the mid-'70s, I was The Bionic Woman. Lindsay Wagner may have played her on TV, but I was on the real streets with my neighbourhood friend, Neil, who was The Six Million Dollar Man. We saved smaller children and animals, and protected the gardens with our bionic leaps, complete with sound effects. For our inspiration, watch this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKGXpFLMlLY).
I was entranced the other day when, on my giant television screen, an unfamiliar face appeared and claimed to be The Bionic Woman. I went to NBC (http://www.nbc.com/Bionic_Woman/) and lo and behold, she is back, and from the clip, she no longer moves with cheesy sound effects. In fact, she's tough, kicks some ass, and could be my revived super heroine.

The dictionary says that bionic means utilizing electronic devices and mechanical parts to assist humans in performing difficult, dangerous, or intricate tasks, as by supplementing or duplicating parts of the body. In my six-year-old head, it just meant cool. I wanted to be tough and cool just like her. I wanted to be strong and fast and be equal to my partner Steve Austin (The Six Million Dollar Man), never needing to be rescued.

In fact, when I would show fear of doing something, like jumping off a ten-foot-high snow bank, all Neil would have to say is, "...but you're bionic!" and my fear would dissipate. My superpower would take over, and off I'd leap (much to the demise of my mother's blood pressure).

NBC has a lot to live up to. I'm a 36-year-old woman who's looking for a super heroine to believe in. I'm tired of the current super heroes. Damsels be damned! I want my Bionic Woman to rescue mere mortal men.

And I want good dialogue. Yes, I want a lot from this show. I was a fickle fan of Gilmore Girls. I loved the speed at which they spoke, the smattering of sarcasm, and the way the dialogue was peppered with pop culture references. I enjoyed the strength of the women, not only the main characters, but also the women in the community—Miss Patty, Suki, and Babette.

Could NBC possibly combine the qualities of Gilmore Girls that I so admired with the speed and strength of the Bionic Woman and make a show that will have me lusting after my very own Bionic Woman Underoos? This fall, I'll find out.

Even if it's not great, please put it on your calendar and tune in for a few episodes. We need to tell the networks that the time has come for more strong female characters on television. We WILL watch!

Who Do I Want To Be?

2007-07-31T11:23:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,

I am honored to have Trudi Evans as a guest blogger for us for this coming week. She is truly a force to be reckoned with and I think you will find her posts touching, funny, and dead on. It is my pleasure to introduce to you Trudi Evans...

"Trudi Evans is the publisher of As We Are Magazine (http://www.aswearemagazine.com) – a new space on the web for women to feel good, speak out and be heard. When she's not promoting the magazine, Trudi acts as the president of the board of directors for the Eating Disorders Action Group (http://www.edag.ca), plays in the sprinkler with her 4 ½ year old son, hangs out with her husband of ten years, and chases the cat back into the house. She is currently growing pumpkins in containers on her deck and thinking about female super heroes."

Who Do I Want To Be?

Even as a teenager, I often wondered what kind of older woman I would be. Now, in my thirties, I think about it regularly. Who will I be when I am 65? And I let that dream of who I want to become, infuse my choices about who I am today. In my mind, I see myself with long grey hair flowing about my shoulders, wearing a long embroidered, ethnic-inspired dress. I am smiling. I am so incredibly comfortable in my skin. I see myself outside in the warm sun, pulling vegetables from my garden. I am taking a break in my day from my work and activism. I am involved. I'm not tied to this image forever, but I realize that some of my deepest values are depicted here.

1. Love thyself. Having grey hair that isn't coloured to make me look younger and being happy regardless of my shape or size is important to me. It is what I work on every day of my life. Well, maybe not the graying hair since mine isn't grey yet. But the self-love is what is important to me.

2. Spend time outdoors. I don't seem myself climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro at any time in my life, but I would like to learn to grow a good vegetable garden. Right now, I stick to container gardening – I recognize my own limitations with time and dedication, but someday, I am going to hoe the row.

3. Involvement. One of my favourite holiday traditions is to watch Charlie Brown's Christmas. In it, Charlie can't find his holiday mojo and consults with Lucy who wisely tells him that what he needs is involvement. I am much like Charlie, in that when I'm not involved in something, I feel like a bit of a slug. I don't need to be on the go all the time, but I need to be a part of things that are bigger than me. This year, I've been actively involved with a local eating disorders group. It has inspired me to want to do other things and really find ways to make an impact in my community. It has also connected me to some really amazing people, and that is often enough.

It's possible that when I'm 65, the idea of looking like an aging hippy won't appeal to me as much as it does now. And what I look like when I get there really won't matter. I could be a highly coiffed, designer clad woman and be just as happy because what is most important is that I stay connected to my values and use those to live now and to guide me into the woman I will become.

Why Beauty Matters

2007-07-20T14:17:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,

We have a new guest blogger to introduce to you. Her name is Karly Pitman and her words are not only inspirational, insightful, and empowering, but she is on the same journey we are to transform the self-esteem of women and girls worldwide. I am pleased to introduce some of her work to you through our blog.

"Karly Randolph Pitman founded First Ourselves to help women love their bodies, embrace their divine worthiness, and make self-care a daily practice. Her dream? To help women face their stuff---whatever it is that holds them back----so that they may be free and clear to fulfill their unique purpose.

Karly is a mother of four who feeds her spirit with long walks, pedicures, reading, and beautiful clothes. She makes her home in the mountains of Montana."

Why Beauty Matters
Feeling beautiful, I've found, has very little to do with the reflection in the mirror, and everything to do with the inner landscape. In my work, I've talked with countless stunning women who can neither see nor accept their beauty. I've also spoken with size four women who aren't comfortable wearing a bathing suit in public; who bemoan their hips, butt, or thighs. Conversely, I know women who are at the heaviest they've ever been, and yet go swimming and clothes shopping with ease.

I'll save answering why some women are at home in their bodies, and some chastise every flaw, for another day. I think a more interesting question is why beauty matters at all. Why should we care what we look like? Why does feeling beautiful matter so much to women?

The two aspects of beauty
Beauty is tricky, because it does, and doesn't matter. No, in the grand scheme of things, our appearance isn't important. On our deathbeds, we won't lament the time we spent dieting or berating ourselves for being a size 10. We are ultimately spiritual beings; our true essence is not our physical self. Our beauty will change, and fade; our spirit, by contrast, grows and evolves.

Yet we are not only spirit; we are also human. And our humanity brings all the challenges and blessings of living in a physical universe. Our bodies are a gift: the vehicle for experiencing the world through our senses. Our beauty is also a gift, something to be honored and appreciated and used, just as we honor, appreciate, and use our other earthly talents. For everything, there is a season. There is a season to relish your beauty, a season to enjoy your body, and that time is now.

Over focusing on the body
The key to understanding beauty is to accept both aspects of ourselves, body and spirit. Each has its place. We become unbalanced and suffer pain when we lean too strongly towards one or the other. When we're too focused on our physical selves, we become rigid, perfectionistic, holding our bodies to impossible standards. We bemoan the onset of wrinkles, cellulite, gray hairs; we denigrate any wiggle or jiggle. We live for someday ("I'll take that dancing class when I lose fifteen pounds") and worship our youthful past. We white knuckle our sensuality, shame our natural human desire for sexual pleasure, satiating food, and physical comfort.

Even worse is when we hate our bodies for unconforming to our impossible expectations. We think that somehow we can love ourselves while hating our bodies. But this is impossible. How you feel about your physical self influences your feelings about every part of you. Your physical body is in the house in which the rest of you---your spirit, mind, and emotions---resides. Hating the vessel pollutes every part. If you loathe your body, you loathe yourself.

This is slavery to beauty; being in bondage. Bondage is when your self worth, how you feel about yourself as a person, is defined by your appearance. Your physical self will fluctuate. Some days, you'll look smashing. Some days, you won't. This is where your spirit comes in. If you appreciate your spirit, your being-ness, then you can accept the changes in your humanity without fear, knowing that wrinkles and cellulite don't change who you are.

Overfocusing on the spirit
However, this doesn't mean we should ignore our bodies' needs. Sometimes we feel guilty for caring about our appearance at all, especially women who are focused on their spirituality. We feel unholy for wearing make-up or desiring pretty clothes. We feel egoic because we feel better when we look better. When we take time for a massage or a pedicure, we feel like we're indulging in something slightly sinful.
This is shame talking; not your spirit. Shame is simply another form of slavery; another form of bondage.

Focusing solely on the spirit, and ignoring the body's needs for rest, proper nutrition, exercise, and, yes, beauty, is just as harmful as overfocusing on the body. Devalueing your body is as painful as overvalueing your body (vanity): they are opposite sides of the same coin.

It's human and natural to have a need for beauty, just as it's human and natural to have a need for rest, solitude, and peace. It's normal to want to feel pretty; to enjoy a new outfit; to pamper your body so that it can look its best. It's okay to indulge the body.

Balancing body and spirit
But how do we acknowledge our need for beauty without become trapped by vanity? How do we navigate a world that defines beauty in narrow terms? How do we balance our humanity with our spirituality?

The answer is twofold: self love, and self care. It takes both. Self care is what motivates you to exercise, eat food that makes you feel good, and rest when you're tired. It's also what inspires you to find a dress that makes you feel sexy, style your hair, and paint your toes lavender. Self care is treating yourself to a yoga class, silk sheets, and a makeover. Self love, by contrast, is what enables you to completely and deeply love and accept yourself at all times, when your toes aren't painted; when you're grungy and sweaty or camping in the woods. Self love is accepting the loss of your beauty with grace and levity. Self love is embracing the abundance of the universe, letting other women feel beautiful, too.

Combining self love with self care is treating your body as well as, but not more importantly as, your spirit. It's embracing your humanity and your spirituality with equal measure. It's letting your inner beauty match your outer beauty, and apologizing for neither. It's expanding your definition of beauty to include you at your best, your worst, and everywhere in between.

It is, in a word, freedom.

Extraordinary

2007-07-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

Take a peek at this thought provoking guest blog from Jamie Varon...

Jamie Varon is working as an intern at With Jess. She is committed to changing people’s perception of beauty in whatever way possible! Jamie loves to write and you can visit her blog at jamievaron.typepad.com for more of her work.

In Psychology, the way most theories are founded are by examining people with extraordinary symptoms, brain damage, or other “defects.” Normalcy is hardly ever something that produces a significant result or any area of research to be further investigated.

It’s an interesting lesson to learn.

Things that religiously go with the “norm” are never going to make an impact. People that walk the path that is lined up for them are never going to make a difference. And people that forever stay entrenched to conventional and majority-held beliefs are never going to impact anything.

I’m sorry if this is harsh, but it really is true. Living a life of safety and comfort will never lead to something extraordinary. You must start from a place of uniqueness to ever be considered an individual. You must defy what you are “supposed” to be and become who you want to be. The people who swim against the tide are going to learn and grow, while the ones who don’t are just going to become washed up and bored.

I’ve always been one to root for the underdog, because for so much of my life, I felt like I was that person. I’ve always been one to look at a picture and see everything that no one else sees. I’ve always been one to hold a radical opinion. I’ve always been one to desire to be something that not everyone else is.

When teachers used to give us a list of topics to choose from to write a paper or do a report or something, I would always be the student that chose a topic not on that list. I don’t take creative writing classes because I want my own style. I don’t read scrapbooking magazines because I want to design my own things… not someone else’s creativity.

I hope you do the same. I hope that you rebel against conformity. There is much to learn from those who stray from the beaten path. Carve your own way… define yourself… and never ever be a carbon copy of anybody.

Love Like You Mean It

2007-06-22T11:44:00.000-07:00

Here is another great post from our guest blogger Sarah. In case you missed the first blog posted on Monday, here is a little bit about Sarah:

Sarah is a writer and artist who works on celebrating life and making a little bit of progress every day. Some days, that means taking a longer walk, other day it means making an effort to reach out and encourage others to speak their truths.

Love is an interesting emotion, concept and bond. Part of the reason why it's so interesting - at least to me - is just how many different types of love there are.

There's the love that we have for family, a bond passed from generation to generation. There's the love that we have for our friends - for the people who we call when no one else can break through our sadness or can share in our joy. There's the silly schoolgirl crush love that feels amazing but can't really be called love. There's that love we feel for that special someone in our lives - that love that tells us that we are meant to share all that we are with someone, the love that makes us feel like we've finally found the other part of our whole.

Some people love everyone else with all that they have. Some are manipulated by the love that they have for other people, and keep offering chance upon chance.

But what very few of us seem to be able to do is to love ourselves. We get caught up, we think about all the little things that people say and we let those things get under our skin. We start to believe that we're not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or. . .

It saddens me sometimes when people pretend to love themselves when they don't. It saddens me when people cannot accept themselves for who they are and really love themselves - in the same way it makes me sad when someone pressures another person by saying, "If you loved me, you would."

When we love like we mean it, we love without conditions. We don't use that love to reach some end result. We don't measure that love out and ask others to earn it.

When we love others and really mean it, we do what we can to help them meet their needs.

Can you cut yourself some slack when you make a mistake? Can you love yourself even if you're not exactly who you think you should be? Can you love yourself without conditions? Can you love yourself like you mean it?

The Temptation to Blame

2007-06-20T09:17:00.000-07:00

Here is the second entry we received from our guest bloggers. This one is really awesome!!

We all do it. It’s easy. It makes the most sense in our heads. We want to be perfect. We want to think that there’s no way we did anything wrong in any situation.

This, my friends, is giving in to the ever-so-tempting blaming game.

Life is unfair. Or, your childhood was (blank), so you are stuck being (blank.) Sound familiar?

I thought so.

It’s extremely tempting to blame the world for your sadness, your everyday upsets, or just about anything else that happens. Yet, this game of pointing fingers takes your own life out of your own hands. The ball is definitely not in your court once you give in to those accusations.

I remember blaming absolutely everything I could find to explain away my problems. I was single because I was fat. I had very few friends because I was boring. Then, I started taking responsibility for my life…learning that I could take control of these things that seemed to be uncontrollable.

I realized that when I began to own the negative, I felt more empowered by the positive. If I could take responsibility for the bad things in my life, then I could take responsibility even further for the good. All of the things I used to blame my issues on did not go away, but they did start to become less of a burden once I accepted that I could change my idea of how these things affected me. If I stayed blaming my past or my weight or my friends/family for MY unhappiness, then I could never begin to perceive my life differently and more positively.

So, be fair to yourself… own your life. It’s way too easy to blame anything and everything for any given mood. For example, instead of assuming that, say, you are single because you are not attractive enough… why don’t you try delving deeper into your mind? What kind of vibes are you sending out? Don’t you think that negative self-image is being projected onto potential mates? Who is going to be attracted to someone who genuinely believes they are unattractive? Are you open to a healthy relationship or are you holding onto your negative beliefs about yourself and others?

See… it’s easy to blame one superficial thing. I do encourage you to be self-aware and insightful into your “accusations.” Take control, be powerful, and look beyond the superficial. Believe me… there is many great things to see if you just look past the surface.

Celebrating Life

2007-06-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,

Here is the first guest blog entry we received. I am sure you all will like it as much as I did.

Sarah is a writer and artist who works on celebrating life and making a little bit of progress every day. Some days, that means taking a longer walk, other day it means making an effort to reach out and encourage others to speak their truths.

Last week, my partner and I went off on a planned trip to Baltimore; we left home around 4am Friday morning. This part is all background. We were going to the area to check it out; it's an area where we may someday move. My parents knew this, and are considering the whole thing to be a done deal. Her parents knew that we were going, and thought it was just to scope out the area and celebrate my birthday.

That's why her mom didn't call to tell us that, on Thursday, her grandmother was taken to the VA hospital because she was panicked and uncomfortable, screaming in pain.

In fact, the call didn't come to us about this until Saturday morning, when it was decided by the family that only "comfort measures" would be taken - oxygen and morphine so that Harriet would be comfortable. We were told that Harriet would want us out there living our lives, to follow the path that we'd set out on. We knew that there'd be hell to pay if we changed our plans.

So we set out and explored on Saturday, and again on Sunday until I finally suggested, late in the afternoon, that we could change our flight back on Monday. I had decided to call the airline, to see what we could do to try to get back in time to say goodbye before she passed. It seemed like the best possible compromise - we'd head back early, but not so much so that anyone would be upset or give us grief about it, especially because it was my birthday.

It worked out that we left six hours early than anticipated; and once we landed we headed straight to the VA hospice suite. My partner was unsettled, bracing herself to say goodbye; I was unsettled, because I believe in celebrating life, because I'd changed my plans. We went to the suite - my in-laws were there, along with both of my mother-in-laws sisters and one of her brothers.

In the midst of the hospice suite, in the midst of the family coming together to be there when its matriarch passed through the ending stages of her life, her dad had baked a birthday cake. There was singing, and laughter. In a room that sees mostly death, there was a celebration of life.

I give her family credit; I know that mine wouldn't have been as strong, as committed to a celebration, as committed to living in the moment and embracing all of it: the awful, sad and scary along with the joy, and the sense that life continues.

Celebrating life doesn't mean only looking for the good things. Celebrating life means accepting all of the imperfections, all of the things that just don't work out exactly the way that they were planned.

I think that celebrating ourselves is also a way of celebrating life. We can have all of these great plans that fall apart. We can buy a great shirt only to realize that we don't have anything to wear it with. We can get a great job only to realize that there's something that isn't quite so great about it - long hours or a boss we can't seem to agree with.

Ultimately, I think that celebrating life is just that - accepting that nothing is anything without all of the pieces, good, bad, beautiful and ugly present and accounted for.

Guest Bloggers PLEASE!

2007-06-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

Hi kids --

Ok so my travel schedule is kicking into high gear again and I know I am going to be slacking on my blog entries (don't laugh, I know I still stink at this!) BUT I have a new idea. Well, actually it's not new - smarty pants "Biz of words" suggested it to me weeks ago but I am only taking her up on it now...

I am searching for guest bloggers. Anyone out there want to try their hand at writing some blog entries for my site while I am gone? I am looking for 3 brave souls to try their hand at communicating through my web portals -- send me your posts and we'll put them up. Topics are open - just keep in mind the goal of my site and my work is to promote conversation and action - so let's not be too nasty! ;)

Send your entries to info@withjess.com beginning Thursday June 14th and we'll post your entries throughout the week of June 18th. Who knows perhaps if this works, I can begin to have other voices blog through my site with me. Shall we try it??

Big hugs to you all and thanks as always for sticking with me!!

XOXO
Jess

Is Bad Behavior Good To Talk About?

2007-06-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

If they didn't have brand names they'd be forgotten.
A 25 year old mother of two having a depressive breakdown.
A 20 year old partying too hard with friends who aren't good for her.
A 25 year old who has dropped a dramatic amount of weight.
A 26 year old rich kid who thinks she is above the law.

None of these scenarios are anything to write home about. They occur in our hometowns and college campuses all the time. But when you have the world's cameras pointed your way, capturing in every detail your failures and foibles, it becomes something else.

But Britney, Lindsay, Nicole, and Paris are higlighted lately as examples of 'bad girls' in Hollywood. I think they've made poor decisions (especially driving while intoxicated) but I don't necessarily think we can deem them 'bad people'. I certainly wouldn't want to be judged on my actions when I was struggling as a 20 something. And I have no idea what it would be like to be the primary bread winner in my family at age 11 and having no real boundaries with my parents. Nor could we know what it's like to hear your bodies and boyfriends being gossiped about on a daily basis.

What we can do right now is really look within our own families and relationships and see where we can relate or where we can use these current examples as openers to have those tricky conversations about eating disorders, drug and alcohol addictions and personal consequences.

I'll be on CNN again tonight discussing how parents can use the crazy media circus around Paris, Lindsay, Nicole, and Britney's breakdowns/meltdowns/rehab trips - as opportunities to create conversations with their children.

I am determined to illuminate the teachable moments in what we are all watching or reading about online. The coverage will be there. The media scrutiny and madness isn't going anywhere -- so how do we navigate through the muck and gossip we are absorbing.

If wonderful people hadn't intervened in my life at the right time -- I wouldn't be where I am today. I was one poor choice away from being like Paris or Nicole. And that's scary to think about!

Bad Girls

2007-05-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

So by now you've probably heard the news, Ms. Lohan is arrested for DUI and they say cocaine was found in her crashed up vehicle. Not many people are surprised that yet another young superstar has gone the way of driving while intoxicated - putting others and themselves at serious risk. Ms. Hilton will be heading to prison soon to pay for her crime and Ms. Richie is up for her hearing soon - for those of you who forgot - she was arrested after driving the WRONG way on the freeway! Now it'd be too easy to just continue to dump on privileged and famous young women who no doubt have become more famous from all the dumping by the media that they endure. I'd rather like to introduce something into the argument that we don't often hear being covered on news outlets or gossip rags, quite frankly because it's not a good sound bite - and that my friends is compassion.

Now I say compassion and not forgiveness. I say compassion and not understanding. What these women have done by putting innocent lives at risk by driving while intoxicated is inexcusable. What I want to look at is how we as a society and a media treat young women in the media - building them up to tear them down, discussing every angle of their sexual exploits, many before they are even 18 years old. We put teenagers on the covers of magazines wearing nothing but a forced, rehearsed smile -- an immitation of what they believe to be a 'sexy woman'. We discuss their bodies as though they are common property and really any of our business. We count their calories and watch for when their thighs touch and then we criticize them until starvation. We are engaged in their demonic struggles with substance abuse - we love to see the pictures of them partying - buying up the photos of their trashed Saturday nights - disregarding that most of them are underage when we start to see them fuzzy headed and smiling pretty in the paparazzi photos.

We have an incredibly unhealthy relatinoship with celebrtiy in this culture and particularly young female celebrtiies. We can judge them all we want - but replace their photos and stories with the stories of another 19 year old in your life. Or a 22 year old. Or a 17 year old. See if you can recall those years of your life and how the person you were (or are) might react to the pressures placed upon you not juts by one or two people but by millions.

I live working one foot in Hollywood and one foot in the heartland of America. I know and have worked with some of the young women we read about in gossip magazines. I am just as confused nad conflicted by my love/hate relaitonship with celebrity. This weekend, watching another young women, clearing battling a drug/alchohol addiction in public get to the point where she is self-destructing and again endangering the lives of people in my community - just makes me heartbroken. When we do we stop short of supporting juicy headlines in favor of reaching out and helping a life? Lindsay Lohan will be 21 in July. Many would say she is old enough to live with her consequences. But let's not forget for one second that she is just like us. Minus the privilege and money - she is a young woman clearly lost and searching, sad and addicted, out of control and most likely praying for someone to help her.

Compassion not redemption. Compassion not allowance. Compassion not criticism.

Think about it.

Life and Death

2007-05-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone...

It's been a rough weekend...
My great aunt, Beaty passed away...and while she lived a long life it wasn't always easy. She was struck with Polio when she was a baby and never had the full use of her legs. She walked on crutches most of her life and then in her later years, she was struck by another bout of Polio and it paralyzed her from the neck down. So for many year she laid in bed all day with a very active mind but an inactive body.
But she was so much more than her disability.

She was a scientist, a great scrabble player, and a very loving woman who was a huge supporter in my life. She was an independent single woman long before the Sex and the City women made it so en vogue.

She loved watching political news shows and stimulating conversation. She was outspoken and bossy at times and adored my grandmother, her sister, with all her heart. My fondest memory of Beaty was sitting at her bedside with my grandma and talking about our family history. Really hearing their stories and absorbing their memories made me feel more connected to a time I couldn't imagine.

Anytime someone passes in our lives it reminds us of what we are living for. We must squeeze out all the energy in a day so that we are living fully and present! We must hug those we love and tell them we love them even if we think they already know. We must respect the journey of life, getting older, growing up, maturing, and looking back. And while we are on this journey we can't forget to fight for what we believe in, sing out loud as much as we can, and love with everything we've got.

I hope this finds you grateful for the life you have today.
I'd love to hear what you are grateful for...share the blessings!!

Jess

Ugly Betty GIVEAWAY!

2007-05-16T10:56:00.000-07:00

Ok - so we all like free goodies, right??

Well, here at With Jess -- we are going to try doing an occasional give away to our beautiful blog readers! All it takes is some heart, some soul, and some writing skills! (Ok, well at least enough skills to post a blog entry) :)

Our first blog give away is an Ugly Betty/With Jess prize package for the person who can eloquently answer the following question in under 100 words:

"What have you learned about yourself by watching the show Ugly Betty?"

Two runner ups will also be awarded cool With Jess prizes. So here's what you do....send me a blog post with your thoughtful answer and make sure you include your name and e mail address so we can contact you when you win! We will choose winners next Wednesday the 23rd of May -- so hurry and tell your friends to enter, too!

Ooh, free prizes, thoughtful questions, and connecting with cool people...I LOVE my job!!

Jess

Hitting the road...AGAIN?!?

2007-05-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's official. I am having a mad love affair with my luggage.
Once again, I will pack the goods and hit the road for another 2 week stint.
This time I am heading to my home state of Florida. Although I am worried about ol' FL, cause there are about 195 fires burning throughout the state. For a state usually plagued by Hurricanes - it is so bone dry that everything is burning. ;(

I will be in Orlando speaking at a conference and then doing some press for NBC's iVillage Live. We'll post air dates on the site so stay tuned...

Then I am off to Atlanta to see a young girl named Simmion graduate from high school. What is so extraordinary and special about this graduation is that I've known Simmion since she was about 9 years old. I've watched her grow up and mentored her through some pretty rough times. The things she has seen and been through I wish on no other human being. But Simmion or Pooh as we call her is a fighter. She is a gentle fighter. Strong to the core and always clear on a vision of success for herself. She will be the first in her family to graduate high school and go to college. She is literally shifting the entire family dynamic and being a superb role model to her younger brothers and sister. What I love most about Pooh is her heart. It is bold and big and never ceases to amaze me. I am proud to see this day arrive and you better believe I will be up on my feet at graduation - acting like the proud girl I am - hooting and hollering for her!!

If you thought about mentoring or becoming a big brother/big sister to someone - I highly recommend it. If you are fortunate enough in your life to share your gifts - do so - it makes you richer in spirit and experience. And with just a little time and some patience you can transform someone's life!

More soon,

Jess

PS Your stories about your mothers moved me deeply - even though mother's day has passed I am totally open to hearing more stories. Or you can share with me some of the people you have helped or mentored in your life. Let's pay it forward....

I'm Baaaaack

2007-05-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

It's ridiculous how lazy I can be with this blog sometimes.
I totally realize that writing every day or every other day is the whole point of keeping a blog.
I am so sorry and I promise to work on being better with communicating through these pages....

A quick update:

- I just returned from a 2 week journey back east where I was lobbying in DC for Eating Disorders legislation and it was nothing short of AWESOME!! Check out www.eatingdisorderscoalition.org -- if you care about the issue of eating disorders and want to see more money for treatment, research, and support for those who are struggling with this issue - join our friends and family council at the EDC and join us for the next lobby day in September!

- Our CosmoGirl! Mall tour was a smashing success! We'll be posting pix from each city soon and in the meantime, we'll be starting another Body/Soul Challenge this September in CosmoGirl! - so take a peek and join the challenge!

- Tell everyone you know to sign up for our Actionist Newsletter - we'll be announcing some fantastic news shortly and we will need all of you to begin spreading the word. Being Actionists means taking action in your everyday lives -- and many of you keep asking for ways to get involved....we're gonna tell you how to make an impact on the beauty and entertainment industry...soon!

- Make sure you take our with Jess survey on the website - it's your chance to speak your mind on the media, body image, plastic surgery, and the beauty industry!

Mother's Day is this weekend and I'd love to hear from all of you - what is the greatest lesson you've learned from your mother or grandmother/guardian? Let's celebrate the women in our lives that lead the way!!!

Big hugs,
Jess

My Underwear RETURNS!!

2007-04-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

It is a miracle but my two bags, once lost in Paris, have landed safely in LA!
Hooray!!
I, of course, am traveling yet again - but when I get home I will reunite with my long lost undies!! :)

For anyone who has lost their luggage - you know what an out of control feeling it creates. The people on the other end of the baggage hot line number were full of misinformation and sometimes sounded like I was annoyingly interrupting their coffee break. But I am going to shift my grouchiness to gratitude now that my goodies are back.

Today I am in DC - gearing up for Lobby Day on the 1st.
And this afternoon I did something decadent -- I went to the spa and got all sorts of scrubs, rubs, and facials! Oooooh it was deeeeelicious! It was my first full Sunday off in quite some time so I soaked in my alone time and I feel so much more revitalized.

It reminded me to remind you to take some time for yourself! I know it's so much easier said than done...but man, when it is done - it feels SO good!!

I hope you all had a great weekend and we'll be chatting soon!

xoxo
Jess

Quick Update

2007-04-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

Hey Everybody,

Hope this finds you happy and taking action!!
It’s been such a busy month for me traveling around the world, and I’m not done yet! I’m off to Washington, DC next for a CosmoGirl event this weekend. And, while I’m out there, I’ll be participating in Lobby Day to support The Eating Disorders Coalition (EDC). Over 75 people who have been impacted by eating disorders are going to gather on Capital Hill and have individual lobbying meetings with their representatives to help send the message that eating disorders are a serious mental health issue and we NEED funding in our schools and hospitals to treat this issue and make treatment affordable for everyone. If you are interested in joining our lobbying efforts in the future – please go to www.eatingdisorderscoalition.org!

After DC, I’m going to head over to New Jersey for another great CosmoGirl event. And, while I’m there, I’ll be participating in a For the Recovery and End of Eating Disorders (F.R.E.E.D) event. The F.R.E.E.D foundation is an amazing organization run by my friend Gail Schoenbach – and is dedicated to helping individuals and families afford treatment. As anyone who has been involved with the issue of eating disorders knows…it can be quite expensive to get the treatment you need, so Gail’s organization is a non-profit aimed at helping take the financial pressure off those who are seeking help. To learn more about F.R.E.E.D go to www.freedfoundation.org and if you are in the New Jersey area there is still time to come to the F.R.E.E.D fundraiser on Monday May 7th!

I feel blessed that I have the chance to see so many wonderful places and touch the lives of people along the way! And you can do your part, too – make sure you sign up for our Actionist newsletter to stay connected and stay in action!

I’ll be in touch soon my friends. Stay spirited in the mean time!

Love & Light,
Jess

My Underwear in Paris!

2007-04-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

Bon Jour, Hola, Hi...

I have just returned from my European trip and had a brilliant time connecting with like-minded souls who are committed to transforming the self-esteem of women and girls worldwide! Bummer for me is that when I landed back at LAX I discovered that my luggage was nowhere to be found. Nada. Nope. Nowhere. It's been almost a week now and the airline still has no clue where it is. I originally flew from Mallorca to Barcelona to Paris then to LA. My flight was late from Mallorca and I had little time to hop the flight to Paris from Barcelona...and so I knew in my gut the luggage wouldn't get there. But I did hope I would see it a day or so later. No such luck. And I can't say the airlines are particularly helpful in this area - especially when you land stateside and are trying to deal with international baggage claim - good luck! This whole experience is really testing my attachment to material items and can I just tell you - I am TOTALLY attached! I miss my cute black boots and new black dress that I had altered just for my European events....and of course there is the cute necklace I bought my mama for her birthday that I packed away that she most likely will never see! But in the end - they are just things and the real important part is that I am home safe and sound and back connecting with my amazing family and friends. That's what is truly irreplaceable! So....my lovelies...what has been going on with you? I hope to see you at my next mall event in NJ or DC...I leave to go back on the road again this Friday but this time I am packing all my precious cargo in a carry on bag! :)

Greetings from Majorca, Spain!

2007-04-15T05:51:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone --

I am writing to you from the sometimes windy/sometimes rainy coast of Majorca, Spain!
I am on the last leg of my European journey and I am LOVING it.
Spent a few days in London and zoomed from meeting to meeting. Had a ball!
What I do with regard to being a teen advice columnist, speaker, self-esteem expert, was very well received by some TV stations over in the UK - so there is a sweet chance my message will be hopping the pond very soon! Of course, I'll keep you posted!

Am now relaxing in a beautiful room at this resort in Majorca - my room overlooks a bluff straight down the ocean - gorgeous! Only wish is that it was 80 degrees and not 60 - cause I'd be out there in my swimsuit before you could finish reading this sentence. But alas, the yucky weather is giving me time to send you all a little post!

I am about to commence on a mall tour for CosmoGirl! Magazine -- we begin April 21st in LA and then hit DC on April 28th and NJ on May 5th. If you have been promising to come hear me speak - now's your chance to mix shopping and inspiration by visiting me at the mall!! I will do 2 "Inner Style" sessions per appearance, plus we have book give aways and much more. I am a apart of a larger sponsored event by St. Ives, Secret, and CG of course! For more info - go to the appearance calander on our website. It's FREE and you can bring as many people as you want - so I hope to see you there!!

Let me know how things are going with you -- and if you keep stopping by but aren't posting yet -- come on, don't be shy....I know the fabulous people on our site would LOVE to hear from you!!

XOXO
Jess

Europe here I come...

2007-04-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been so lazy in posting lately...I am gearing up for a cool trip to Europe next week and my mind's been on a zillion things. I will be gone for about 2 weeks and I'm not clear yet on how much posting I am going to do while traveling -- but I will do my best to fill you in on this adventure. I will be going to London and Mallorca and I can't wait!!!!!

I have not yet navigated a foreign country on my own -- I've only gone with friends or through school - so I am psyched to see how I handle it all. I am determined to combine my work with play!!

So tell me what's been going on with you guys? Good week? What are you learning? Experiencing? New thoughts? Old thoughts? Silly thoughts?

I'm game....

xoxox

Flowing with the GO...

2007-04-01T23:08:00.000-07:00

I just spent 8 hours in the Vegas airport.
My early morning flight turned into the last flight of the day.
It happens, right. Travel snafus. It happens to everyone.
And it took me a few hours before I just surrendered and chose to make lemonade out of these lemons. And when I did something beautiful opened up for me.

I watched people all day long. People coming, people going. I saw people who couldn't make eye contact. And people who were staring too long. I saw a man who was leaned up against the wall outside of the bathroom and appeared to be hugging it for minutes on end. Arms stretched wide, faced pressed up against the tile. Then he'd turn around and smile a quirky smile. I couldn't tell if he was just off center of on something but either way he was amusing.

I saw a young woman burst into tears when told she didn't make the stand by list because she was going to be late to her first day of medical school tomorrow. All of my reasoning couldn't calm her down - I even offered up my seat to her but she disappeared into a crowded airport to find another flight back to her future in Ohio.

I cried myself at the ticket counter when I was told I'd have to wait 24 hours to take a one hour flight. I finally finagled a way onto a later flight and felt silly for crying but oh, well. There is something crazy about being in a jam packed airport when there are a lot of flight delays. It's slightly Lord of the Rings-ish but also very grounding. You get in touch with humanity. People you normally wouldn't have engaged with if your flight was on time.

So I flowed with the go tonight. And finally my go - went - and I landed back in LA after a lovely weekend visiting my friend Kenny. I apologize for the lapse in posting. I am attempting to be completely authentic in my life and some days I completely forget to post. I am always thinking of you, though...out there in the world....living life, learning lessons, and maybe just a few of you...hugging bathroom walls!! :) LOL

xoxo
Jess

Hooray for Communication

2007-03-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday's convo went really well. I think we were both relieved to just create a new possibility of friendship after a relationship didn't work. It made me think about how much I have avoided confrontation in my past - whether it was with a friend or a boyfriend or my family -- so afraid to share something or clear something up. That kind of behavior only causes more of a riff in communication. Once you finally just face what you are avoiding saying -- everything feels better and cleaner.

We are having relationships in our head everyday with people we may not even speak to. I have people in my life 6 years ago that I still think about and have mock conversations with in my head. Energetically we are still connected even though we are separated through time and space. That's why I think it's important to really reach out and clean things up with those around you while you can -- in the present moment.

Who would you clean things up with in your life? What is stopping you?

Coming clean

2007-03-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

Today I am clearing up some communication in my life with an ex boyfriend.
I am nervous.
Even more nervous than the first time I met him (which was a blind date of sorts)
I am more nervous because I am choosing to be powerfully authentic with him and apologize for the way our relationship ended. But I am not out to make me the bad guy or him the reason - but rather to end admirably a relationship that didn't work. That's all. Letting go of the drama there is nothing else. Ah....and I am nervous because I realize how inauthentic I am in my life with people. It keeps me from being close to them and it protects me from hurting. But that's a lie. Because the impact of being inauthentic is that I miss out on the opportunity to be real with people that I care about. And to be real with myself.
So I share this with you now because I stand for the possibility of being authentic and clear in life. And I stand for all of us to face our inauthenticities and have courage to be bold and authentic in our lives. I'll let you know how it goes....

Creating Possibilities

2007-03-26T10:14:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't written in a few days....I was entrenched all weekend in a course called Landmark Education. I will be posting a lot about my experiences at Landmark becuase they are truly nothing short of life changing. What I discovered this weekend taking the advanced course is that we all have access to creating the possibility of an extraordinary life. And that for me, even though I am out there in the world doing many things I love, there is still an opportunity for me to step my game up a notch and really be authentic and powerful in all areas of my life.

Sometimes we can get caught up in the feeling of being powerless in our lives. We pretend every one else has control but us. That leaves us feeling miserable and incomplete and then we go out searching for anything and everything that will fill us up. That is the trick. There is nothing out "there". It is all created. Within.

To give you an example of the work and my transformation - let me share with you something I discovered this weekend. We all tell a "story" in our life - some people's stories are "I am not good enough", "No one loves me", "I can't trust anyone", "I am stupid", etc. And the origin of these stories come from something that happened. More specifically a moment of failure. So for instance, when I was in 4th grade I got an "F" on my math test. It was my first "F". Before that I was a straight "A" student. The story I made up from what happened was "I am a failue and I need to be perfect!"

Let's look at it again:

I am 11 years old. I get an "F" on my test in math.
I make up that I am a failure and need to be perfect.

From that "story" I create a life of perfection. Everything in my mind must be perfect and everyone must approve of what I am doing. That played out in the eating disorders I experienced and the elements of the life I have been leading until now. We all have more than one story and one incident. But this is an example of how our "stories" control our lives.
All that happened was I got an "F" - the meaning I gave it and the story I told myself as an 11 year old about my life - has actually impacted me as a 33 year old adult! How crazy is that??

How many of you are still being guided in your life by "stories" you created when you were 8,9 , 10 years old? It sounds silly but freeing doesn't it? And there is no "right" or "wrong" here - you weren't bad or good for creating those storiees. Neither was I. That was just how I dealt with what happened. And what causes us so much misery in our lives is when we collapse what happened with the "story" of what happened.

So for me to have access to this education and distinguish these differences is empowering because I am letting the story go from life and I am instead creating the possibility of being authentic. Which means I can make mistakes, I can fail, and I can create again. For me, it is nothing short of a miracle to experience that kind of internal freedom.

And this is just one small distinction I received about my life through this work. It is a bit more challenging to write down -- it's best shared in a conversation -- but I wanted to at least share a little of my experience with you here on the blog.

So I challenge you to think of the "stories" in your life that may be keeping you in a place of disempowerment. And as we continue to have a conversation on this blog -- we can explore the ways to create new possibilities in our lives. We are the creators of our own reality!

And if you want more info on Landmark courses you can check out www.landmarkeducation.com

Have a beautiful day!!

Jess

NOT SO FAST

2007-03-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

I just read the new headline: "Britney's life TOTALLY back in control" and the story went on to talk about her exit from rehab and her complete 180 in attitude and addiction.

Not that I want to knock anyone's recovery process and by all means, recovery looks different on everyone...but I know enough to know that your personal demons, drug addictions, or depression don't go away in 3 weeks, even if you do pay a lot of money and have a private room at a rehab facility. The demons that haunt Britney and millions of other people are deep mental health issues that take a variety of treatments and some appropriate amount of time to treat.

I love how recovery gets covered in the media. It's always the fast food version of health. A celeb goes into rehab for 2 weeks and comes out either a. no longer racist b. no longer Mel Gibson or c. completely straight.

My last comment is about controversial evangelist Ted Haggard who claims after about 20 days of 'rehab' all of his homosexual tendencies have vanished and he is completely straight. Give me a break. What about your lying tendency, your meth tendency, and hate tendency, did those get 'fixed' too?

What is most scary is that there will be some people out there who read these stories and believe that in just a few weeks their issues can vanish too. Or that rehab becomes something like a vacation destination to work on your 'issues' before returning to your real life. Drug addiction, PPD, Depression, Eating Disorders, and other mental health diseases don't creep up overnight and they don't disappear overnight either.

One of the big issues holding back mental health parity in this country is that we don't understand fully mental health. And when the media truncates someones recovery to fit their magazine cover -- it sends the wrong message. We need more compassion, education, and access to care for these issues - so that people who can't afford a posh Malibu rehab facility also have some real hope and a viable way to clear their demons.

I wish both Britney and Ted well in their journey toward authenticity. I just want them to remember, recovery is not an end game or a PR move, it is a new way of living.

New Blog - YEAH!

2007-03-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

Ok - so testing, testing...this is the new With Jess blog!

We are going to be tackling all sorts of interesting topics here -- some personal, some pop-culture - but always POWERFUL becuase you are lending your voice to the conversation!

There are some days where I will simply post a question for everyone to answer and think about. Others I might rant or rave. And most of all, I promise to make my communication with you guys as consistent as I can.

We have some amazing new announcements coming up and some really fun ways for you to begin taking more action in your community - so stay tuned!

In the meantime - let's get the conversation going....

What makes you feel powerful? In your life? In your work? In your relationships? Are you living the most powerful version of your life that you can?

Do tell.....

2007-03-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

The good, the bad, and the in-between....

Ever have one of those 'in between days'?

Not good. Not bad. Just so-so. Things going well. Not great. But Ok.Nothing too negative. Just staus quo.

Does that kind of day drive you CRAZY??

Because if you are like me - you may be a pendulum swinging -- adreneline junkie -- type A -- perfectionist-- control freak-- must have a GREAT day every day kinda girl!

And when you are addicted to having things go smoothly, perfectly, and triumphantly every day - that leaves you with not a whole lot of room for error, mistake, or well....living! One of the hardest things I juggle in my brain every day is to not get too attached to winning and achieving and making each day equate to a monumental success.

Especially when we have a goal like weight loss or changing health behaviors - we get so addicted to the highs -- to the accolades of losing a pound or two -- or knowing that you've exercised 10 straight days in a row. We get too attached to the outcome and the outpouring of support when we achieve something huge. But what if we achieve something small? Like stopping eating desert when you are full? Or turning the other cheek to a co-workers lame comments without it sending you into a binge cycle? Or going to the grocery store on a full stomach so you aren't tempted to buy (and eat) everything in the store?

Sometimes the small 'in between' moments are the greatest moments of all. The moments when no one is looking and you still make the best decision for you. The moments when it is just a typical day and you don't make it atypical by going off the deep end and abusing yourself with food or lethargy. The moments when you are just moving along in status quo and allow yourself to be OK with that.

I bring this all up because sometimes we face plateaus. But we have to remember that a plateau is not the same as going backwards or slipping. A plateau should be looked at as a necessary resting place. A moment to catch your breath, take a look around, and celebrate where've you come from. A plateau can give you great pause to evaluate the good, the bad, and the in-between. To be comfortable not moving forward, not achieving, not growing (for just a moment) to me, is all about striking balance.

So many of our diets have failed in the past because as soon as we stopped seeing the physical progress we gave up. Or we let a few plateau days make us believe we were transgressing. But we can choose to re-frame that experience today. And embrace a plateau for just what it is. An 'in-between' day. In between growing and changing. In between past and future. In between old behaviors and new.

When a catepillar becomes a butterfly it doesn't just grow it's new set of wings overnight. It slowly evolves into the next phase. And on some days you can see great progress and on others it seems like nothing is happening. It is a progressive change and one that yields great results when you just allow the process to unfold.

So today, my little butterflies -- enjoy your growth and movement toward change in your life. Take deep breaths and allow the moments to unfold. You are doing it. You are spreading your wings. And you will fly!!

2007-02-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

Killing our Idols

My heart broke when I saw Britney's bald head. And not just because it looked terrible.

In fact, it wasn't her head at all that made me wince. It was her eyes. These empty, pained, distant eyes that no one at 26 should posess.

Now say what you might about her - but she's been our pop princess for sometime and that is a title that comes with responsibilities.

Responsibility #1: Stay perrenially cute and perky and just a smidge above attainable so we can all fawn over your cuteness.

Responsibility #2: Keep churning out dance-able hits and low cut outfits at awards shows.

Responsibility #3: Date the right guy - that Justin was great - that K Fed not so much. We want to live our fairy tale through you pop princess, not be reminded of our lazy, lackluster love life at home.

Responsibility #4: Allow the lenses cameramen into your daily way of life no matter how invasive or intrusive. We, the viewing public want to see EVERYTHING!

Responsibility #5: Choose your friends wisely - dump the Paris and go back to the gaggle of back up dancers who 'knew you when'. After all we don't want our pop princess initiated into the slutty sorority cult...just yet.

Responsibility #6: Even when you are in mass amounts of pain - make sure you cover it up with drugs, alcohol, vapid people in your inner circle, and lots of partying. Never let them see you feel.

I of course, offer these in tongue and cheek but there is a real underlying point here. And that is the cult of celebrity is a two way street. We create our idols then we kill our idols. Many of them then become reborn again but many of them don't make it. And either slip away into oblivion or die tragic, early deaths. We usually consumed our comedians like this: Belushi, Candy, Farley. But now we are consuming our blond bombshelles like this: Anna Nicole....Britney?

And we can all say - well they do it to themselves. Or if I was in that position I'd never do that. Or simply put: They are crazy and on drugs. But let's take this one step further. Right now we are watching two train wrecks. This circus of a paternity test with Anna Nicole's baby and her tragic death and now Britney's spinning out of control - shaving heads, tatooing body parts, and partying like she has a death wish.

Hollywood idols have always been fascinating, glamorous and just a tad out of reach. But now with reality TV and a zillion tabloid rags - they are incredibly within reach and we can learn about their bizarre behaviors 24 hours a day. They know this and act accordingly. We know this and act accordingly.
Right now we are watching a very damaged MOTHER of two boys fall from grace in such a disgraceful way.

And we laugh. We watch. We speculate. But who is doing anything? Who is really putting their neck out there and treating it like the dangerous dance it is?

It's true you can't change a person who doesn't want to change. But can we finally ask ourselves why we find such perverse pleasure in watching someone deconstruct and die before our eyes? Is it the inner geek fantasy of watching the pretty girls pay? Do we feel better about our lives because someone else is hurting?

I just can't get her eyes out of my mind.

They seemed to say "Come on, I dare you to love me. Even like this."

2006-11-28T16:10:00.000-08:00

I'm Baaack

Ok, I officially suck at keeping up with this blog.

I think it is because I have so many different ones in different places.

I also write a blog called "The Weighting Game with Jess" on ivillage.com

And I have this one on my site!

And I am attempting to have one on My Space as well. So please, forgive me for my over-communicating and my procrastinating! HA!

So what can we say about Turkey Day and the end of the year?

It's a time when everyone will begin to open up their hearts a bit more, give to the homeless, maybe volunteer, say what's on their minds, make ammends, or tell someone they love them. But what about the other months of the year? When we are usually busy being...busy, anxious, jealous, fearful, hateful, competitive, and blind to those around us? Do we practice our 'holiday manners' year round? If not, we should.

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up a few last minute Thanksgiving goodies before joining my sister to do some serious couch laying and grazing. We were going to enjoy a mellow Thanksgiving this year cause I have been traveling so much - we just wanted to chill and veg. So as I was getting out of my car a man approached me and asked for some change. I told him I'd rather buy him something to eat than give him money and I asked if he was hungry. His reply "oh, yes, ma'am."

So I asked him what he wanted - he wanted a sandwich and a snapple. So I said I would get that for him and be right out. When I was at the register paying for my groceries, the store manager warned me about giving the man outside anything since he begs in front of the store regularly. He also went on to tell me that he thought the man once lived in Beverly Hills and drove a Mercedes. None of this mattered to me because something had gotten to the point in this man's life that he was asking strangers for change in front of a grocery store. I thought the warnings of the manager were odd considering this was supposed to be the 'giving' time of year.

And then I must admit I had a bit of fear pop up for me as I wondered whether I was getting hosed my some con artist of a homeless man. And then the truth came forth. WHO CARES! My intention was to help someone who said they needed help. Who am I to judge his position or intention in receiving. I did what my heart said to do and that's what I focused on.

When I gave the man (his name was John) his food (with an extra bag of M and M's thrown in) he simply smiled and said "Thank you so much." I said "No problem, just pay it forward when you have the chance." and he said "I sure will."

And with that I will take him at his word.

I challenge all of us to challenge ourselves on why we give or how we give. And see if we can do better. I know I can.

Love and light,

Jess

2006-10-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

withjess™ blog

I know the purpose of a blog is to post everyday. Or at least a few times a week. I will do my best to honor that. I can’t make a promise though. I haven’t always been the best with following ‘rules’.

I am heart broken lately watching the news. So many school shootings again. This reminds me of 1999 – when we watched a half dozen school shootings take place before Columbine. Paducah, Kentucky, Jonesboro, Arkansas, Pearl, Mississippi – always in places we would least expect and communities who would never dare dream a tragedy like this would happen to them. I spent a little time in Columbine after the shootings in 1999. My theatre company performed one of our shows entitled “Battered Souls” for a group of students at a neighboring high school, some of them refugees from the Columbine massacre. Those who lived through such an event always said the same thing; “I wish that there was something I could have done.”

That’s a natural thing to think about after an event like this. Your mind races back to moments, conversations, looks, giggles, gossip, and notes passed – trying to think if there was ever a moment you had a clue that something this terrible would unfold. That is a trick our minds play on us. The past no longer exists and all those hunches or hints are just memories or fantasies. We have just the moments in our days to live life. Each one passing by quickly and asking us to make the most of the life we have with the people we know. How many times today did you pass by someone and not make eye contact? Not smile? Not even notice they were there? Are there people at your work or school that you see all the time but don’t speak to?

Right now, the last 2 school murders have killed girls. The male shooters have specifically targeted little girls. We can’t just chalk this up as a passing phase or a coincidence. I think there is something more here we have to look at. How do we value girls in our world? What do we think about their bodies? Their beauty? How much are we feeding obsessions and illness by our hyper sexualized images of girls in the media? There definitely isn’t one answer or theory as to why someone could take the lives of innocent girls or anyone for that matter. But I think we have to ask ourselves some deeper questions and look for our own role in this issue. It impacts us all. Our schools are not safe and our hearts are not healing unless we dig a bit deeper and begin to take action.

Do you follow your gut when you sense danger? Get the creeps from a person? Feel uneasy in your gut when you hear someone speak about harming themselves or others? We have to honor these feelings, too and if you see something or hear something that makes you think twice – we must say something. Even at the risk of feeling ‘silly’ or ‘over reactive’. Many of the students who knew the shooters in these situations said they had a hunch something was going on but didn’t want to speak up and get anyone in trouble. I think sometimes that is the risk. Not that anyone can ever truly prevent evil like this from unfolding – but we can focus on the healing now. How we will forgive. How we will love more than we hate. How we will grieve and hold onto those we love a litter tighter.

Something to think about. Let me know your thoughts…

Love and light,

Jess