Why Self Care Isn't Selfish
By Guest Blogger Karly Randolph Pitman
"I know what's best for me, after all, I have been in the Claudette Colbert business longer than anybody."
-Claudette Colbert
I ran into an acquaintance at the grocery store, who told me of her upcoming month long trek to Europe. “I’ve taken care of everyone else since I was 18,” she said. “I’m turning 30, and realized it’s time I did something for myself.”
I applauded her courage. But a few years ago, I wouldn’t have been so supportive. Yes, I would’ve smiled and said, “That’s great!” But inside, I would’ve felt a wee bit jealous.
What sparked the change in my reaction? Here’s the secret: self care.
I think some women are afraid that if they put their needs first, they'll become narcissistic and self-centered. But the exact opposite is true. Self care isn't selfish; rather, what enables you to give with an open heart.
Self care, you see, isn't linear, but a circle; a cycle of reciprocity whereby everyone benefits. As you care for yourself, you empower others to take care of themselves. As you fill up your tank, you have a deeper well from which to give to your family, passions, and community.
But, more importantly, it’s about creating joy and gratitude in your own heart, so you can meet others with joy, too. When you harbor feelings of scarcity or lack, you'll resent giving to others. How can you celebrate another's good fortune when you're feeling deprived yourself? You can't.
In his book Real Magic, Wayne Dyer uses this analogy: when you squeeze an orange, you can only make orange juice. No matter how hard you try, you can’t create lemonade. You give what you are. If you're resentful, you'll give resentment, no matter how large a check you write. If you're jealous, you'll give envy. If you're angry, you'll give bitterness.
And people will know it, even if you don't say a thing. Even your children.
When I lived like a Mommy martyr, I prided myself on my self-sacrifice. I felt empowered by my thriftiness, on how little I demanded from my husband, my children, or from life. But self-denial's reward wasn't joy; instead, I envied women who had the things I wanted: travel, spa visits, beautiful clothes, and a nicely decorated home. I resented my children. I was depressed and restless. But these feelings dissipated once I made self care my top priority. I could relax in others' triumphs, because I knew mine were coming, too. My inner spirit, cared for and fed, lost its anxiety about not getting its fair share.
Today, my self-care begins from the inside out, with an inner recognition that I am worthy of nurturing. It’s a habit, a practice forged over time into a pattern of living. It’s the small choices I make everyday that make me feel pampered: adequate sleep; a quiet lunch with a fat novel; a walk along the river; thirty minutes of solitude.
I care for myself every time I say no to something I would only do out of obligation; when I set boundaries on my working hours; when I let my children do for themselves what they can, instead of trying to do everything for them; when I recognize that most things on my “to do” list aren’t urgent, and can wait until tomorrow.
My life, however, can't.
The beauty of self-care's equation is in its magnitude. I may indulge only myself when I spend an hour painting my nails. But the joy that this act gives me, the abundance that is its reward, is a feeling that overflows my boundaries; a feeling that multiplies as I pass it on to others, to everyone whom I encounter.
About Karly:
Karly Randolph Pitman, writer, speaker, blogger, and mother of four, offers encouragement for women at firstourselves.com. First Ourselves offers women positive parenting tips, ideas for gaining a positive body image, and suggestions for nurturing yourself. Karly is also the author of an ebook on loving your body, Body Ease: An Inspirational, Step by Step Guide to Feeling Beautiful Now, as well as a forthcoming book on how to conquer sugar addiction. Both ebooks are available for purchase on firstourselves.com.
"I know what's best for me, after all, I have been in the Claudette Colbert business longer than anybody."
-Claudette Colbert
I ran into an acquaintance at the grocery store, who told me of her upcoming month long trek to Europe. “I’ve taken care of everyone else since I was 18,” she said. “I’m turning 30, and realized it’s time I did something for myself.”
I applauded her courage. But a few years ago, I wouldn’t have been so supportive. Yes, I would’ve smiled and said, “That’s great!” But inside, I would’ve felt a wee bit jealous.
What sparked the change in my reaction? Here’s the secret: self care.
I think some women are afraid that if they put their needs first, they'll become narcissistic and self-centered. But the exact opposite is true. Self care isn't selfish; rather, what enables you to give with an open heart.
Self care, you see, isn't linear, but a circle; a cycle of reciprocity whereby everyone benefits. As you care for yourself, you empower others to take care of themselves. As you fill up your tank, you have a deeper well from which to give to your family, passions, and community.
But, more importantly, it’s about creating joy and gratitude in your own heart, so you can meet others with joy, too. When you harbor feelings of scarcity or lack, you'll resent giving to others. How can you celebrate another's good fortune when you're feeling deprived yourself? You can't.
In his book Real Magic, Wayne Dyer uses this analogy: when you squeeze an orange, you can only make orange juice. No matter how hard you try, you can’t create lemonade. You give what you are. If you're resentful, you'll give resentment, no matter how large a check you write. If you're jealous, you'll give envy. If you're angry, you'll give bitterness.
And people will know it, even if you don't say a thing. Even your children.
When I lived like a Mommy martyr, I prided myself on my self-sacrifice. I felt empowered by my thriftiness, on how little I demanded from my husband, my children, or from life. But self-denial's reward wasn't joy; instead, I envied women who had the things I wanted: travel, spa visits, beautiful clothes, and a nicely decorated home. I resented my children. I was depressed and restless. But these feelings dissipated once I made self care my top priority. I could relax in others' triumphs, because I knew mine were coming, too. My inner spirit, cared for and fed, lost its anxiety about not getting its fair share.
Today, my self-care begins from the inside out, with an inner recognition that I am worthy of nurturing. It’s a habit, a practice forged over time into a pattern of living. It’s the small choices I make everyday that make me feel pampered: adequate sleep; a quiet lunch with a fat novel; a walk along the river; thirty minutes of solitude.
I care for myself every time I say no to something I would only do out of obligation; when I set boundaries on my working hours; when I let my children do for themselves what they can, instead of trying to do everything for them; when I recognize that most things on my “to do” list aren’t urgent, and can wait until tomorrow.
My life, however, can't.
The beauty of self-care's equation is in its magnitude. I may indulge only myself when I spend an hour painting my nails. But the joy that this act gives me, the abundance that is its reward, is a feeling that overflows my boundaries; a feeling that multiplies as I pass it on to others, to everyone whom I encounter.
About Karly:
Karly Randolph Pitman, writer, speaker, blogger, and mother of four, offers encouragement for women at firstourselves.com. First Ourselves offers women positive parenting tips, ideas for gaining a positive body image, and suggestions for nurturing yourself. Karly is also the author of an ebook on loving your body, Body Ease: An Inspirational, Step by Step Guide to Feeling Beautiful Now, as well as a forthcoming book on how to conquer sugar addiction. Both ebooks are available for purchase on firstourselves.com.
posted by Jess at 11:23 AM
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