Who Do I Want To Be?

Hi Everyone,

I am honored to have Trudi Evans as a guest blogger for us for this coming week. She is truly a force to be reckoned with and I think you will find her posts touching, funny, and dead on. It is my pleasure to introduce to you Trudi Evans...


"Trudi Evans is the publisher of As We Are Magazine (http://www.aswearemagazine.com) – a new space on the web for women to feel good, speak out and be heard. When she's not promoting the magazine, Trudi acts as the president of the board of directors for the Eating Disorders Action Group (http://www.edag.ca), plays in the sprinkler with her 4 ½ year old son, hangs out with her husband of ten years, and chases the cat back into the house. She is currently growing pumpkins in containers on her deck and thinking about female super heroes."



Who Do I Want To Be?

Even as a teenager, I often wondered what kind of older woman I would be. Now, in my thirties, I think about it regularly. Who will I be when I am 65? And I let that dream of who I want to become, infuse my choices about who I am today. In my mind, I see myself with long grey hair flowing about my shoulders, wearing a long embroidered, ethnic-inspired dress. I am smiling. I am so incredibly comfortable in my skin. I see myself outside in the warm sun, pulling vegetables from my garden. I am taking a break in my day from my work and activism. I am involved. I'm not tied to this image forever, but I realize that some of my deepest values are depicted here.



1. Love thyself. Having grey hair that isn't coloured to make me look younger and being happy regardless of my shape or size is important to me. It is what I work on every day of my life. Well, maybe not the graying hair since mine isn't grey yet. But the self-love is what is important to me.

2. Spend time outdoors. I don't seem myself climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro at any time in my life, but I would like to learn to grow a good vegetable garden. Right now, I stick to container gardening – I recognize my own limitations with time and dedication, but someday, I am going to hoe the row.

3. Involvement. One of my favourite holiday traditions is to watch Charlie Brown's Christmas. In it, Charlie can't find his holiday mojo and consults with Lucy who wisely tells him that what he needs is involvement. I am much like Charlie, in that when I'm not involved in something, I feel like a bit of a slug. I don't need to be on the go all the time, but I need to be a part of things that are bigger than me. This year, I've been actively involved with a local eating disorders group. It has inspired me to want to do other things and really find ways to make an impact in my community. It has also connected me to some really amazing people, and that is often enough.

It's possible that when I'm 65, the idea of looking like an aging hippy won't appeal to me as much as it does now. And what I look like when I get there really won't matter. I could be a highly coiffed, designer clad woman and be just as happy because what is most important is that I stay connected to my values and use those to live now and to guide me into the woman I will become.

Why Beauty Matters

Hey Everyone,

We have a new guest blogger to introduce to you. Her name is Karly Pitman and her words are not only inspirational, insightful, and empowering, but she is on the same journey we are to transform the self-esteem of women and girls worldwide. I am pleased to introduce some of her work to you through our blog.


"Karly Randolph Pitman founded First Ourselves to help women love their bodies, embrace their divine worthiness, and make self-care a daily practice. Her dream? To help women face their stuff---whatever it is that holds them back----so that they may be free and clear to fulfill their unique purpose.

Karly is a mother of four who feeds her spirit with long walks, pedicures, reading, and beautiful clothes. She makes her home in the mountains of Montana."

Why Beauty Matters
Feeling beautiful, I've found, has very little to do with the reflection in the mirror, and everything to do with the inner landscape. In my work, I've talked with countless stunning women who can neither see nor accept their beauty. I've also spoken with size four women who aren't comfortable wearing a bathing suit in public; who bemoan their hips, butt, or thighs. Conversely, I know women who are at the heaviest they've ever been, and yet go swimming and clothes shopping with ease.

I'll save answering why some women are at home in their bodies, and some chastise every flaw, for another day. I think a more interesting question is why beauty matters at all. Why should we care what we look like? Why does feeling beautiful matter so much to women?

The two aspects of beauty
Beauty is tricky, because it does, and doesn't matter. No, in the grand scheme of things, our appearance isn't important. On our deathbeds, we won't lament the time we spent dieting or berating ourselves for being a size 10. We are ultimately spiritual beings; our true essence is not our physical self. Our beauty will change, and fade; our spirit, by contrast, grows and evolves.

Yet we are not only spirit; we are also human. And our humanity brings all the challenges and blessings of living in a physical universe. Our bodies are a gift: the vehicle for experiencing the world through our senses. Our beauty is also a gift, something to be honored and appreciated and used, just as we honor, appreciate, and use our other earthly talents. For everything, there is a season. There is a season to relish your beauty, a season to enjoy your body, and that time is now.

Over focusing on the body
The key to understanding beauty is to accept both aspects of ourselves, body and spirit. Each has its place. We become unbalanced and suffer pain when we lean too strongly towards one or the other. When we're too focused on our physical selves, we become rigid, perfectionistic, holding our bodies to impossible standards. We bemoan the onset of wrinkles, cellulite, gray hairs; we denigrate any wiggle or jiggle. We live for someday ("I'll take that dancing class when I lose fifteen pounds") and worship our youthful past. We white knuckle our sensuality, shame our natural human desire for sexual pleasure, satiating food, and physical comfort.

Even worse is when we hate our bodies for unconforming to our impossible expectations. We think that somehow we can love ourselves while hating our bodies. But this is impossible. How you feel about your physical self influences your feelings about every part of you. Your physical body is in the house in which the rest of you---your spirit, mind, and emotions---resides. Hating the vessel pollutes every part. If you loathe your body, you loathe yourself.

This is slavery to beauty; being in bondage. Bondage is when your self worth, how you feel about yourself as a person, is defined by your appearance. Your physical self will fluctuate. Some days, you'll look smashing. Some days, you won't. This is where your spirit comes in. If you appreciate your spirit, your being-ness, then you can accept the changes in your humanity without fear, knowing that wrinkles and cellulite don't change who you are.

Overfocusing on the spirit
However, this doesn't mean we should ignore our bodies' needs. Sometimes we feel guilty for caring about our appearance at all, especially women who are focused on their spirituality. We feel unholy for wearing make-up or desiring pretty clothes. We feel egoic because we feel better when we look better. When we take time for a massage or a pedicure, we feel like we're indulging in something slightly sinful.
This is shame talking; not your spirit. Shame is simply another form of slavery; another form of bondage.

Focusing solely on the spirit, and ignoring the body's needs for rest, proper nutrition, exercise, and, yes, beauty, is just as harmful as overfocusing on the body. Devalueing your body is as painful as overvalueing your body (vanity): they are opposite sides of the same coin.

It's human and natural to have a need for beauty, just as it's human and natural to have a need for rest, solitude, and peace. It's normal to want to feel pretty; to enjoy a new outfit; to pamper your body so that it can look its best. It's okay to indulge the body.

Balancing body and spirit
But how do we acknowledge our need for beauty without become trapped by vanity? How do we navigate a world that defines beauty in narrow terms? How do we balance our humanity with our spirituality?

The answer is twofold: self love, and self care. It takes both. Self care is what motivates you to exercise, eat food that makes you feel good, and rest when you're tired. It's also what inspires you to find a dress that makes you feel sexy, style your hair, and paint your toes lavender. Self care is treating yourself to a yoga class, silk sheets, and a makeover. Self love, by contrast, is what enables you to completely and deeply love and accept yourself at all times, when your toes aren't painted; when you're grungy and sweaty or camping in the woods. Self love is accepting the loss of your beauty with grace and levity. Self love is embracing the abundance of the universe, letting other women feel beautiful, too.

Combining self love with self care is treating your body as well as, but not more importantly as, your spirit. It's embracing your humanity and your spirituality with equal measure. It's letting your inner beauty match your outer beauty, and apologizing for neither. It's expanding your definition of beauty to include you at your best, your worst, and everywhere in between.

It is, in a word, freedom.

Extraordinary

Take a peek at this thought provoking guest blog from Jamie Varon...

Jamie Varon is working as an intern at With Jess. She is committed to changing people’s perception of beauty in whatever way possible! Jamie loves to write and you can visit her blog at jamievaron.typepad.com for more of her work.


In Psychology, the way most theories are founded are by examining people with extraordinary symptoms, brain damage, or other “defects.” Normalcy is hardly ever something that produces a significant result or any area of research to be further investigated.


It’s an interesting lesson to learn.

Things that religiously go with the “norm” are never going to make an impact. People that walk the path that is lined up for them are never going to make a difference. And people that forever stay entrenched to conventional and majority-held beliefs are never going to impact anything.


I’m sorry if this is harsh, but it really is true. Living a life of safety and comfort will never lead to something extraordinary. You must start from a place of uniqueness to ever be considered an individual. You must defy what you are “supposed” to be and become who you want to be. The people who swim against the tide are going to learn and grow, while the ones who don’t are just going to become washed up and bored.


I’ve always been one to root for the underdog, because for so much of my life, I felt like I was that person. I’ve always been one to look at a picture and see everything that no one else sees. I’ve always been one to hold a radical opinion. I’ve always been one to desire to be something that not everyone else is.


When teachers used to give us a list of topics to choose from to write a paper or do a report or something, I would always be the student that chose a topic not on that list. I don’t take creative writing classes because I want my own style. I don’t read scrapbooking magazines because I want to design my own things… not someone else’s creativity.



I hope you do the same. I hope that you rebel against conformity. There is much to learn from those who stray from the beaten path. Carve your own way… define yourself… and never ever be a carbon copy of anybody.